It has been a long, hard 10 days since Markus got out of hospital, for both of us. He has had such a bad time with breathing problems, in spite of oxygen, in spite of morphine and tranquillisers. Everyone has been very helpful, but it has been very difficult nevertheless. The mobile palliative care visited and adjusted his pain medication, and advised me not to leave him alone at all. Yesrterday I had to attend a computer course because our system at work has changed, and after I had been there an hour, the mobile care called me to say our doctor had visited Markus, but noone had answereed the door. So I shot out of the course and drove home, wondering why the doctor had called and why Markus hadn't answered the door.
When I got home, Markus was still sleeping soundly. A load of phone calls later, I found out our doctor had called to assess Markus for increased carer's allowance - and I hadn't been informed. He came back and told us we would receive a hefty increase. Great, but I missed the course, felt bad at leaving Markus alone and was shocked by what I feared could have happened.
Today, at work, I just felt like crawling under the table, out of sight, where no-one could see me or find me. But when I got home, Markus woke up and was very clear and definate in his wishes. He wanted to prepare to go to hospital. It was such a relief. Whenever I mentioned hospital before today, he just shook his head, although he was suffering panic attacks and had tremendous breathing problems.Then I took his temperature - high again. So he has another infection - probably why he has been feeling so bad and losing even more weight this week. He is really only skin and bone, no muscle at all.
But a tremendous will.
And now he's back in hospital, wired up to oxygen, antibiotics and morphine, smiling and joking with nthe nurses again. I'm so glad he feels safe again.
I went out for a pizza and some wine with my Danish friend, and was able to relax at last. We are both going to sleep well tonight, I think. Thank heavens.
