The end of 2009 is coming slowly but surely. This is where I should write optimistic, upbeat comments about a new year, a new life, moving on. But I don't feel either optimistic or upbeat. I know I'm not all that old, but it doesn't seem as if there's so much to look forward to. Life stretches in front of me, and I don't really know what to do with it.
No, I'm not 'over' Markus's death by any means, though I can ban thoughts of it at work and during most waking hours. At night, dreams of hospitals and death come to me, so I don't sleep well and jump up when I should be drifting off. During the day I'm hyperactive and driven by something, I don't know what. Probably too many stress hormones circulating, so that I feel better with lots of movement.
Occasionally , something reminds me all to strongly of Markus, and his abscence, and what he was like. Then I cry, wherever I am. Bit of a nuisance, really. And then there is the feeling afterwards that there is nothing left. I didn't think I would feel like this, I wanted to cope, get on with things - support people. Do voluntary work beside my own work. Yet I can hardly cope with my own work. I can't concentrate, can't read an article through without my mind wandering. That's why I'm writing this - an attempt to stay focused for a while.
A young neighbour comes and visits me. He has his own problems, yet he spends time with me. I'm older than his mother. And yet somehow he represents Markus to me, someone to care for, someone to look after. Someone to talk to and have contact with. Even Markus thought of him as a kind of son. He'll go his own way, as all young people do. Is this the way forward? As we get older, and lose those we love, do we live again through those younger than ourselves? Our children, if we are lucky enough to have any?
It would be nice to find another partner. May sound strange, when I've just lost the one I spent 27 years with. But he is always there with me, absolutely irreplaceable. It would not be a replacement by any means. As I said, I need someone to look after, to be with. Don't we all?
But I imagine I will get used to this state of being alone again. I was alone for many years, and enjoyed my own company and freedom. I have to learn to live alone - but this time, I see no golden, or even gilded, future. Just getting older.
The end of the year is coming.
