With
christmas looming I was aware that there was a lot of people in my
local area who were looking to try and make a few extra pennies to make
paying for Christmas more bearable. I love Facebook, I use it ALOT, and
there was a local page where people where buying and selling things to
help make ends meet. I'd bought and sold a few things and built up a
rapport with a few users on the site. With that in mind the cogs started
whirring and as a result a little acorn of an idea was born.... I
spoke to the community centre where my son goes to preschool and asked
if they had ever thought of holding an indoor boot sale. Initially they
were apprehensive about the idea, worried about mess and how to go
about making sure traffic for the stallholders was correct. I persisted
and to cut a long story short I ended up with a 21 stall table top
sale to organize! As I don't drive and had my 3 yr old in preschool I
didn't actually have a stall of my own, I didn't make a penny from
organizing and running the event - but it was good to have something to
sink my teeth into.
The pre op appointment at the hospital was the night bfor the table top
sale. My partner was off work sick with flu and wasn't well enough to
drive me to the hospital, so his dad took me and dropped me off. It was
the 18th Nov 2010, and boy was it cold. I walked down to the clinic
where the large waiting room was full of people. I sat down and started
flicking through a magazine grateful for a bit of me time without
having to worry about speaking to anyone or worrying about little man
running off. Time sat on my behind with nothing to do is boring to some
but I quite enjoy it as its pretty rare for me :) Good job really as I
sat in that waiting room for almost 2 hours. After about an hour I
began to get a bit restless, wondering why I hadn't been called yet...
the waiting room emptied, until there was only me left. When they
called my name I whooped and said hurray - finally it was my turn.
I entered the room with a nurse and there was a female doctor with black
curly hair tied back and a smart suit on, she looked behind me and
asked me with a puzzled look 'Oh are you on your own....' to which I
said 'Yeah my other half is poorly so its just me....'. This seemed to
fluster her a little, which was odd to me. I sat down in the chair with a
smile on my face, she said 'Right ok so I have some results from your
op for you.' I said 'Erm..... results - sorry I didn't know there was
any results to be had, I mean Ive already been told that its nothing
from all the tests you have done so far so...'. My face dropped, I could
feel my heart starting to pound, you know that feeling that you get
when you have been caught doing something you shouldn't do, a bit of a
nervous sick feeling - yep well that crept in pretty quickly. I looked
at the doctor, she seemed now even more uncomfortable, more nervous than
me in fact. 'Well those tests arent always conclusive, so we cant just
rely on them.' I'm thinking WHAT! 'Well we looked at the tissue we
removed during the op and we have found some cancerous cells....' I said
'erm....ok' and waited for more information. The doctor was trying to
hold her composure but I could see her squirming I guess giving me this
information was hard I wasnt impressed. I said 'But Ive already been
told twice now that It not cancer, you have done all those tests, I
wasn't expecting any results and now your telling me what exactly?' I
paused...'Are you telling me I have cancer?'.... 'Yes I am very sorry.'
She looked away - I probably wasn't giving her the nicest of looks at
this point LOL. She then went off into some sort of rant about
multidisciplinary meetings, how all these doctors had sat down and
discussed me and what would happen next..... Im thinking
multidisciplinary - am I a naughty girl LOL.... I said 'Hang on a
minute. What sort of cancer do I have?' The reply I got was 'Thyroid -
but dont worry its 95% treatable - you will be fine'.
The tears were starting to come now, I could feel them, but I was there
on my own - I needed to hold my composure, I couldn't crumble in front
of this doctor who in my opinion wasn't a very good one, I needed to
show her who was stronger, I needed to be quietly indignant. So I took a
deep breath and carried on. She then started asking about my voice - I
explained I had a cold but that my hoarseness had been a permanent
fixture since the first operation. She explained that the next step
would be a Completion Thyroidectomy - the remaining half of my thyroid
would be removed in another operation similar to the first, she
explained that Dr M would do the op. But she was concerned about my
voice, she checked the notes. Dr M had noted no laryngeal nerve damage
and then she said she wanted to take a look at what was causing the
hoarseness. Out came a black shiny snake like thingy with a light on the
end, she wanted to put it down my nose.... OUCH. She did it twice, it
bloody stung. My eyes started watering and I expressed discomfort - as I
had a cold, all of the passage in which the tubes were going were
blocked and inflamed - not fun. She didnt like the way my voice was
reacting to the tests so she said we would need to wait until my voice
was better bfor the operation could be done. I was told to wait for a
further appointment, and to get some sort of solution to help clear my
airways just in case I needed another snake test at the next
appointment. With that she sent me on my way.
I walked out of the room, a middle aged nurse said 'Are you ok love?' - I
turned around and said quite rudely - 'Well no not really they just
told me Ive got cancer soo....' and with that the tears came, there was
no controlling them. I strode down the corridor towards the exit to get
picked up, crying like a baby, huge heaving sobs almost stopping me
from catching my breath. I knew that soon id have to walk through the
A+E dept so I tried to compose myself, which I could only do by holding
my breath, I walked across the car park in the cold dark night. I
called my partner and told him, he was shocked and didn't quite
understand what I was saying - he called his dad and his parents came
and got me. All the way home I explained what had happened, explaining
that in hindsight I felt like they had left me waiting 2 hours on
purpose, not wanting to have to tell me, wanting to leave it as long as
they could.
When I walked out of the back gate my partner was waiting for me, he
passed me a ciggarette, I took it - god I needed it! He said -' What
type of thyroid cancer is it? Theres 4 types you know?' 'Is there - she
didnt say only that I have thyroid cancer'. My other half isnt a cryer -
he gets silent when he is upset and takes himself off to deal with it
on his own, he fights tears, his bottom lip wobbled and we both started
crying. I didnt know what to say, I just went off into a rant
explaining what had been said my thoughts all jumbled, mixed with anger
and frustration. I was mad at the doctor, mad that the hospital hadn't
insisted I bring someone, mad that they had given me NOTHING to take
away to explain what they had just told me.
I needed this to be ok for little man, so I said right we don't mention
this word in front of him ok, we act like nothing has happened as much
as we can. I was in mummy mode desperate to shield him from the hurt
and destruction that had unfolded. The next bit is a bit of a blur of
tears and googling and various phone calls being made to family, and my
partners boss.
I went and got in the bath, Bubble soothing me, on my own in the bath I
tried to compose my thoughts. I realised that no matter what happened
from now on I had cancer, and I needed to deal with it. Wallowing over
it was not going to get rid of it, I clung to the doctor saying it was
treatable, I wasnt dying. This could be a lot worse. I could hear my
partner on the phone saying no we didnt want any visitors tonight, it
was too soon.
The next thing I know there was a knock on the door, it was my others
halfs boss's partner. She also happens to be the mum of my partners
oldest friend and little mans Godmum. She was heartbroken, and almost
didnt know what to say, she assured us that if we needed anything to
just let her know, Id stopped crying by this point which I think she was
a bit taken a back by. I explained that I needed to just keep calm and
carry on with it all. That I had questions that needed to be answered.
That id do my best to get to the bottom of them all. She told us that
my partner had been given a week off work, and that we shouldnt worry
about time off etc. We were extremely grateful of that week off. She
hugged us both and left.
I dont remember much more of that evening, other than calling the lady I
was organising the Table Top Sale with to explain what had happened
just in case I had a melt down during it. We decided we didnt want too
many people knowing about my cancer, so asked that nothing was said on
facebook etc and told those we had told to keep it to themselves. I
didnt want people worrying about me. I didnt ever want to be 'that lady
with cancer'.
