Tuesday 18th May
Pre-Chemo appointment number 3.
We saw the big boss today, i.e. Mr Geldart at Bournemouth Hospital, for the first time since John's initial diagnosis. He told us that the blood tests showed promising results, i.e. that the chemo is working as it should.
I asked what stage John was at and he told us his cancer is Stage 4. It will never ever be cured and there is no possible chance of an operation because it has spread so extensively. The chemo will hopefully prolong his life but only for a matter of months.
John will be having another IV infusion on Friday and another three weeks later. Then comes the CT scan which will show definitely what effect it has had on the tumour(s). They will then decide whether to go ahead with another four sessions.
My mind is in a whirl. Is all this suffering John has had to endure worth just a few miserable months? What if he decides not to go ahead with the treatment - will he suffer even more or could we possibly expect a few months when we could enjoy life together? All I know is that this is not living and it's not BLOODY fair!
I don't want to remember him like this, a shadow of his former self with all the light gone from his lovely brown eyes. I want us to laugh together like we used to but all the laughter has gone out of our lives now.
I don't know how to talk to him any more. It always comes back to this dreadful pigging disease that's ruling our lives. I feel I should ask him about what funeral arrangements he would like but how on earth do you broach a subject like that? It's like saying "I've given up on you!" I don't even know if he believes in God any more - I know I certainly don't!
And then I look beyond the inevitable and I just can't begin to imagine what life will be without him. I asked him today to wait for me - wherever it is that we end up going when we're not on this earth any more.
I hope he does, along with all the other loved ones we have both lost - animals and people. When I close my eyes I visualise a beautiful meadow filled with flowers, happy laughing people and gambolling pets who will never be parted again and will never suffer sickness and pain - is that Heaven? I hope such a place exists because, if it doesn't, what's the point of all this?
