Friday 16th April
Where do I begin? Little did we know, only a few months ago, that our lives would be like this. John has gone so rapidly downhill since we first suspected that something was seriously wrong with him.
At the beginning of the year we were looking forward to beginning to enjoy our retirement together, making plans to move house, to have a holiday or two with our little dog Gemma and to spend time with the grandchildren on their holidays from school.
Now his days seem to be filled with taking pills, feeling sick, being in pain, struggling to eat and drifting off to sleep on the sofa. He's half the man he was and he's getting so thin. As I've said before, I feel so helpless and it's so difficult to keep his spirits up when all the time I feel like screaming and cursing at the unfairness of it all.
John has always been a worrier. He sees problems where there aren't any and he's a great one for making a mountain out of a molehill. I used to be able to jolly him along, make him laugh when I called him a grumpy old git and bring him out of himself, but not any more. The only thing on his mind is this bloody awful disease and what it's doing to him and the only time he comes out of himself is when we have visitors.
I can't say I blame him for feeling so down in the dumps but I keep trying to make him feel positive about the treatment. The doctor says he should try to be more active because the chemo will work better but he's hardly got the energy to make a cup of tea nowadays and I have to go for walks with the dog on my own most days now. She always looks for him and I miss the lovely chats we used to have while we watched her running and playing along the beach or by the river. It's no fun on your own.
He even said yesterday that he was going to stop taking the chemo because it was making him feel so ill and I'm afraid I got angry with him. "So you're just going to give up are you?" I said and I regretted saying those words as soon as they left my mouth. Then he said I'd be better off without him which just isn't true.
I apologise to anyone who's reading this for rambling on but it's a way of getting things off my chest.
Today should be better. My best friend and my granddaughter and her boyfriend are coming this afternoon and maybe we'll be able to coax him out for a little walk and a cup of tea in our favourite cafe - we'll see.
Enough of all this. I'll sign off now and maybe my next posting will be somewhat more cheerful.
