Tuesday 27th April
Is it really still only April? This thing seems to have been going on for a lifetime.
Went to the hospital today for John's second pre-chemo appointment armed with several questions for Dr Eccles. She wrote a whole list of drugs on the prescription card for John's side-effects, i.e. his sore mouth, ulcers, sickness tabs, and a new type of morphine because the other one gives him hallucinations. Then we delivered the form and went for a cup of tea while we waited for the drugs - 20 minutes they said.
We had one of those flashing thingies to call us when they were ready but when it hadn't flashed after half an hour, we went back to be told that there was a query on the prescription and it had gone back to the ward to be sorted out. Decided we'd had enough of hospitals for the time being and John said he would call back for it at 4pm, which is where he is now.
We've been talking about asking them to lay it on the line for us as to how long John has left. He's always sworn that somebody mentioned a year but I think I must have blocked it out because I don't remember anybody telling us that.
So, I came straight out at the appointment and asked, and Dr Eccles told us that it may only be a matter of months. She used the word 'incurable' which I'm sure I've not heard before. We know it's inoperable but incurable sounds even worse somehow.
My head's been like cotton wool ever since hearing the news and I think it's finally sunk in that I'm not going to have John around for long. I haven't cried yet but I'm on the verge all the time and hope I can hold on till I can find somewhere private to bawl my eyes out. I've promised to go to the cinema with my granddaughter tonight but now I wish I wasn't going. My tears are sitting somewhere inside me screwing up my insides.
John and I don't know what to say to each other now. I've told him he's got to hang on because I don't want to lose him and I'm praying for a miracle. They DO happen, don't they?
