How I wish I'd never taken my 'ordinary' life for granted.

2 minute read time.

FormerMember

29 Jun 2011

In case anyone's wondering how we are I'm just writing a few lines to let you know. The days are passing us by and it's just a whirl of nurses and drugs, drugs and nurses, etc, etc. My head's all over the place so please don't blame me if none of this makes sense.

John has had many visits over the past few days from District and Mac Nurses, and a Mac Consultant, to monitor his pain and sickness. They've increased his drugs, then changed his drugs, and then changed them back again and nothing seems to give him much relief. Today it was decided to put a driver into his chest so that he gets a steady drip of drugs over a 24 hour period for his sickness. If there's no improvement during the first 24 hours, they will admit him to MacMillan for 3 or 4 days to get it under control.

As of now, 11 hours after it's been inserted, it doesn't seem to have made much difference but I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

All the poor love wants to do at the moment is sleep because the slightest exertion leaves him exhausted and the only relief he gets is when he's lying down.

His pain seems to be relatively under control right now so let's hope they've got the levels of his medication right. Only trouble is that he's spaced out most of the time and I'm afraid to let him out of my sight in case he has a tumble. He absolutely hates being watched all the time but it's the only way I'll get any peace of mind.

He persuaded me to go to my writing class today while his daughter watched over him so I gave in because he was getting angry. I have to admit that I enjoyed it on the whole but felt guilty as soon as I arrived back home because he'd been in a bad way and I hadn't been there for him. I know his daughter is just as capable of watching over him but I still felt guilty.

And so the days go by - one day much like another. This isn't living, it's existing! While I was pottering around the shops today I felt as if I was in a daze and so angry that everyone else seemed to be out enjoying themselves and getting on with their ordinary lives while I was seething inside. I wanted to shout at them "Please don't take all this for granted because you never know what lies in wait for you around the corner!"

Sorry to ramble on so but it's getting late and, although I'm tired, my nerves are jangling.

Madge x x x

FormerMember over 13 years ago

{{{{Madge}}}}

Ive sent you a pm xx

ive had alot of problems on here this week, i keep getting cut off and the site seems slow, and some pms just won`t send...(yours just did though:) )

love scarlet xxxx
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FormerMember over 13 years ago

Dear Madge

A big ((((((( hug )))))))) just for you.

Wishing you all the very best

Georgia XXX
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FormerMember over 13 years ago

dear madge

i can totally relate to how you feel...i remember that just existing feeling and how u want to tell people not to take every day for granted and make the most of every second you have..cancer is a cruel ruthless disease which changes all of your lives when someone you love has it...i felt like life was one long blur and i was in robot mode for much of it

sending you all lots of hugs

wendie x x
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FormerMember over 13 years ago

You have been and will remain in my thoughts Madge. I know it's hard but please try to look after yourself. Once cancer has been in your life it is never the same only those who have experienced it can really understand. Sending you love, strength and hugs. Xxx
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FormerMember over 13 years ago

Hi Madge,

I know exactly what you mean. I'd give everything I own and everything I'll ever own for one more hour in the sunshine in my parent's garden chatting to my dad, like I used to do all the time without giving a thought to what great times they were. I remember the 'existing' feeling. Working 7.30am till 4 then going home, getting changed changed and crossing the city on the Met to go to Christies and visit Adrian, watching him fade away, staying till half 8, home, dinner, 15 minutes of telly, bed. Existing. It's the hardest thing in the world but the stupid thing is that now, now I know how little time we had when I was doing those long, tiring days, I realise that had I known it was only going to be weeks I'd have skipped to the hospital and made every single moment count. But I didn't because I didn't know and I was tired and hurting. It's so hard, what you're doing and I really admire how you're doing it with such strength and humour, John is really lucky to have you fighting his corner and watching over him. This disease is so cruel.

Be kind to yourself and don't forget to look after your own health as well, if you get run down and catch a cold it would not be ideal at all! Thinking of you and if I can be of any help at all, please don't hesitate to let me know. My mum sends her love as well, she really appreciated the thank you card! I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that John's medication kicks in soon and he can get comfortable. All the best, Vikki xxx
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