Sunday, 15th May 2011
Just pottering around this morning listening to the radio when Eva Cassidy's 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow' started playing. John is a fan of hers and loves that song and I suddenly found that the tears were running down my face.
Of course he noticed and the next thing I knew we were having a big cuddle (which doesn't happen very often) and we were both crying.
I think it's because I've been trying so hard to stay strong and not let my emotions out because of upsetting him and also because of the big decision he has to make next week.
This time around the chemo has knocked him for six. The slightest effort leaves him absolutely exhausted and he says he's had enough. He's due for another chemo session next Thursday, after attending his usual pre-chemo appointment on Tuesday, and he's thinking of not going through with it.
I do understand why he's thinking like this. His cancer is incurable and he wonders whether the treatment is only prolonging the agony and taking away any quality of life he had. I'm so scared but I daren't show him because he worries more about me that he does about himself.
We've recently bought him a buggie that fits in the boot of the car after taking it apart. It was a bit of a struggle for me at first but I'm managing fine now and it's worth it just to get him out in the fresh air. The trouble is that on a couple of occasions men have seen what I'm doing and offered to help I accepted the first time but John was so devastated and felt so helpless that he couldn't help me himself and I found him in tears in the car afterwards. I don't accept help any more for fear of upsetting him.
Life sucks at the moment but I know I'm not the only person going through Hell. Must try to pick myself up, dust myself down, and start all over again.
Tomorrow's another day but it's Tuesday I'm dreading!
