John has always been a worrier and today has been one of his worst. He seems to be looking for things to worry about.
Uppermost in his mind is his Will. As we're not married, he's worried that his elder daughter might try to put a spoke in the works with regard to his Will. We both made Wills in 2004 and he's concerned that they might not be in order. He's left everything to me (and vice versa) and we have trusted each other to make new Wills leaving everything to our respective children. To put his mind at rest, I've requested a solicitor's visit from the firm where I used to work on Thursday.
He's also worrying about the hospital bed we've ordered and the upheaval it will cause. It WON'T cause that much upheaval. Our double bed is a bedstead that comes apart easily and his daughter Jo has offered to store it for us. It's just a matter of shipping the old one out and the hospital bed in but he doesn't see it like that. The hospital bed arrives in bits too so there won't be any problem there. The MacMillan Nurse agrees that it will be of great benefit to him and that's all I care about.
He seems to be looking for things to worry about. He usually has a nap during some part of the day but he's been sitting in his recliner all day mumbling away to himself and I can't seem to calm him down. Just given him a lorazepam in the hope that it will help him.
He upset me this afternoon when he said that all he ever wanted to do was to take care of me and that he's not doing a very good job now. I tried to tell him that it wasn't his fault that he was ill and that he's taken wonderful care of me all the time we've know each other but it didn't help. What on earth can I do to reassure him? He's wearing himself to a frazzle!
This is breaking my heart. He's not been out of the flat since coming out of MacMillan and says he's lost the confidence to go outside. He refuses point blank to even consider it.
Bugger this bloody disease! It's ripped our world apart. The thought of losing him fills me with dread and yet I want an end to his suffering. He still suffers so much pain in the mornings, he's eating less and less, he's constipated, his eyesight is affected so he can't read or watch tv. How much more will he have to endure? It just isn't fair.
