I have just shouted at my daughter and now I feel so guilty......
My mum has terminal ovarian cancer. She is not strong enough for any more chemo, and we have been told that how she is now may be as good as she gets. Dad is her primary carer, but at 73 is finding it very difficult to cope both emotionally and physically. They have been married 48 years and she is his sole mate.
Her meds have been upped twice in two days and even now she is still having pain.
Our main problem is that mum has never accepted she has cancer, and even now tells everyone in a couple of weeks she will be back to normal, driving and shopping etc. In truth, she has been out of the house twice in the last two weeks and spent the previous 8 weeks in hospital.
Being the only daughter who lives close by, I am on call 24 hours a day. Mum gets very emotional, which in turn is very upsetting for me and my dad as she feels it is her fault she feels ill and for putting us out.
I thought I was coping up till now......... My daughter is nearly 16, she was complaining that she had a slight cold and headache, and didn't want to go to school, she went on and on until I snapped and said "don't you think Grandma would just like to have a cold?". Rebecca has gone to school in tears and now I am sat here at work also in tears feeling as guilty as hell.
I don't sleep properly at night, feel like crap during the day, I comfort eat (when I get chance to eat) and feel I am letting my own family down by being with my mum so much of the time and letting them fend for themselves.
I am meant to be going away in a couple of weeks time and feel guilty for even contemplating still going, I can always cancel the flights at the last minute, I know it will be the last chance I get to get away until the end, and mum will want to know why I am not going as she wishes with all her heart she was coming with me as she loves Malta so much, which is why it is my second home.
I have just made an appointment for me to see a doctor this afternoon, for my own sanity if nothing else, I need someone to talk to who isn't personally involved.
If anyone reads this, sorry for the rant x
