Hi, I am 29 years old and lost my mom to stomach cancer end of January 2011, so about 6 monhts ago.
She was diagnosed at stage 4 in April of 2010 when the cancer spread to the uterus.. She coped very well with the chemo and early scans were showing the cancer shrinking, however by the end of the chemo , the cancer multiplied and within a few days time it spread enormously. Doctors could only say, her life is likely to be shortened, but they did not really explain how quick this can happen, She was treated at one of the best cancer hospitals in London and still nothing could stop this horrible disease.
In November she had her first stomach fluid built up , which had to be drained off. This happened on weekly basis, they drained about 8-10 liters off her stomach an spent about 3 days a week in hospital. End of December , just 1 day before Christmas they input a permanent drain in her stomach and from then on, I drained her fluid every few days at home. Since Christmas she was handed over to pelliative care..
From the first time the fluid built up, it was the sign that cancer has advanced quickly, but we were not aware of that, only after the scan they told us, there is no more help, nothing they could do. We were devastated... We could not understand and accept...
My mum was talking about going back to work as she was coping so well with the chemo, just last November... She never wanted to accept her illness, never wanted to talk about it... she never wanted to speak about the end.. Even a few days before her death, the doctor asked her and she rejected to speak about it.
Her body weakened day by day. While in November she was still very fit, by Christmas she could not walk up the stairs anymore, by middle of January she could only walk in the flat with our help, but she did walk up until the day before she died...She ate less and less everu day, her speech got worse and worse.
A few days before she left, the doctor still gave her a few months to live .. all doctors and nurses were shocked she went so early. Every time I had a visit from nurse or doctor, I kept asking them, how do I recognize that time is near, but they told me, my mom would be less and less aware of herself , sleeping more and more... This was not the case with my mom. 2 days before her death, I stil took her to the Mamma Mia show she always wanted to see (in wheelchair). She could still take shower up until 2 days before... Eating was mostly fluid in the last days... In the last 2 weeks she had problems breathing, which got so bad (she coughed a lot) , that morphin was not enough. She was fighting with breathing the last day and she weighed probably about 38 kg-s , not more... The nurse then said, we can expect her going in a week time, but she left the same evening, probably a clot built up in her lungs which made her stop breathing and pass away....
She left in lots of suffer, battling the breathing, I was there till her last breath. Luckily my sister was there with me, I actually called her back from the airport ( she was about to fly home and come back a few days later).
My big pain, that she never said good bye to me or to my sister, never wanted to talk about it.. her last words were " Why dont I die already", she was in so much pain, that could not think of anything else but the suffer and pain... she could not say she loved me as she was in so much pain...
She was 58 year old, my best friend, I miss her so much, she meant everything to me. I just cant believe, she will not be there when I will have children, she could have lived at least 20 more years. She was also very active and modern thinking.
When I go to sleep and close my eyes, I see her battling in the last few hours and minutes....
I went back to work after 2 weeks and daytine I am more or less fine, but in the evenings I cry quite often, sometimes for 1 minute, sometimes for 2 hrs...
I try to show my family and friends that I am doing alright, as I dont want them to be worried. People also expect from you, that after 6 monhts you are doing better. But pain is just getting bigger and bigger....
Whenever I see girls with their moms, my heart is breaking , so jelous and thinking why my mom had to die.... especially that she had miserable years before the cancer as well... she was so healthy, took so much care of herself, no smoking, no drinking, eating healthily...
I know life goes on, but in the evenings it goes back to past for me...I need the TV to fall asleep , so I dont think too much about the terrible times... I hope one day, I will think of the good times more often..
Thanks for reading
