It's all go again.......as many of you know from my previous blog it has not been an easy ride so far, not only for me but for my loved ones too ( I know everyone of you can relate to that!) The last 18months have been a living hell !! Well after fighting to get some strength back after my radical hysterectomy followed by septocemia in june, where i eventually came home in the middle of august weighing in at under 5 Stone, i knew that it would be a struggle to get back onto my feet but fight i did. I went back to work on a phased return in October only to be told two weeks in that i was being made redundant...talk about feeling like you were being kicked whilst you were down!
I found that the nasty thing called depression really started hitting at the door and felt that i had failed my family and friends, didn't want to face the world or even get out of bed, but i did! I didn't want the family to see that i wasn't coping especially after all they had carried me through, after all the support and love that i had been given by them. I had to see my consultant prior to going back to work and though he was happy with my progress did say that i hadn't healed properly internally yet....due to the amount of treatment that i had, it is a bit of a catch 22. I then had to see my oncologist in November and she was not as happy as the surgeon...you see i have been complaining for a while about bone pain and the fact that i have a lump in the groin area as well as marks with what can only be described as dry flaky skin on my face and wrist. When the oncologist checked me out she said that she wanted me to be refered to a consultant dermatologist as well as have a scan.
Well.....we all know that it is not what any of us want to hear or to face ( my thanks to those of you in the chat room that have been a great source of support, my appologies that i haven't been in for a while) I have to try and face my demons once again, as the way things happen you can't hide from it for long, the fear that it has come back made me reluctant to go to the GP and get the referal that i needed for the dermatologist and the waiting game started again for the appointment for the scan. While we feel they need to act quickly despite our or my reluctance to face it....the NHS have their own time frame that we still have to adhere to. They (my Oncology team) also felt that i needed to see a phyco analysist to come to terms with my survivourship as i was near death on a couple of occassions. My GP has done my referal to the dermatologist and still we wait and in the mean time started me on a course of anti depressants as well as changed my pain killers.....i just want to get some form of a life back, i know it won't ever be the same as it was....I am really struggling to find a balance in my life, i was always such an active person and now can hardly get around because of the pain
I just feel like i take one step forward and two steps back, feel like i'm always going to be looking over my shoulder and remaining a victim indefinately. xxxx
FormerMember
Lorna, please know that my thoughts are with you and as I sit here staring at the screen I can't get the proper words to form. Please hang tuff and fight this demon, with whatever strength you may have. All our thoughts and prayers are with you now. Your friend,
I'm sure it won't always be this bad. You've been through a lot of crap and of course it's all bound to take its toll. Stop trying to be strong for other people and concentrate on being kind to yourself! What is it with us women that we always want to be the strong ones? Ridiculous!
I'm offering sypmapthy and support - not sure if I have any advice except to take one day at a time and stop beating yourself up.
It sounds though you have been on the most intense rollercoaster! No wonder you are feeling shell shocked now. I know many on this site who are/have battled depression as an afterthought of cancer - its just another hurdle put in front of us (like we need any extras!!) but depression can be managed and overcome - just not immediately but in time. I have found speaking with a psychologist has enabled me to get a lot of stuff 'straight in my head 'and am now able to continue onwards with a strange inner calm these days. I no longer have nightmares and do sleep for a reasonable amount of time each night. I hope that the help they have offered comes to fruition. I dont know how we get through all of this - and you have been through much more than most, but somehow we seem to. I hope you draw strength from this site as I do. Best wishes Lorna - keep hanging on tight - Love Jools x x x
What can i say you certainly have had more than your fair share! but hang on in there hopefully the depression will be sorted soon and with a new year fast approaching hopefully your demons will be sorted also, hey,it might not be as bad as you think it is, i think that everyone assumes the worst until told differently
