I am 24 years old and 3 months ago I lost my father. I have always been a daddy’s girl and was the closest person to him. People often described me as the apple of his eye.
My dad was always very fit and active for his age at 66 he was still beating people half his age at tennis. But in January he went from walking to a wheel chair a month later. At first we never expected cancer; we simply thought he had a bad back caused by a slipped disc. It was only until March 4th when we decided to go for a private scan that the dreading truth came, it was not a slipped disc but "crumbling bones" due to kidney cancer that had spread. Upon looking at information of advanced kidney cancer that had spread to the bones I came along the horrible death sentence of 18 months. My first reaction was to break down and cry, my dad saw me at this stage and was very upset to see me like that. I had been selfish that day, but from that day on I did not let him see me in that way, I decided I was going to keep strong for him and keep him positive and fighting till the end.
I did not spend one day without him by his side since the diagnosis. We got the opportunity to share stories about each other and laugh constantly. He even told me a week before he passed how I should live my life and what I should do. Although this upset me tremendously as I felt he was giving up, im glad we got to share all those moments together of his last two months with joy laughter and tears.
Although I feel like the world is so evil im confused at the thought of maybe I was fortunate. How could God take away such a great father, husband, friend? So quickly, suddenly and in such a cruel way. On the other hand not many people get the opportunity to say good bye to their loved ones. I had two months of saying goodbye to my dad. In which he told me "of one good thing that has come from this, it is that iv really gotten to know you". I was there holding him in my arms when he passed. We were told the day before he was very poorly and would not make it. He had a stomach hemorrhage and after two attempts to stop the bleed and after three big bleeds he was no longer able to fight. Doctors were amazed he even survived the first two bleeds. He fought till the end as he had promised me from the start.
The morning of his death I called the hospital at 7am they told me that he was the same no better or worse than the day before. I came into the hospital at 10:30 (the start of visiting times for patients in intensive care) when I got there he was very ill he was no longer able to respond in those horrifying ten minutes of knowing that he was going, I grabbed him in my arms told him I loved him and would be with him forever. A small tear came out of his eye and then he passed. Could I of asked for a better way to say goodbye?
Although im extremely grateful for these moments, how do I get the moments of him suffering out of my head? And how do I get over missing him so badly. The only time im ok is when im distracted but when it comes to being alone I get flash backs of horrible events of him suffering that’s just eat me up inside.
