A friend asked me this today - ''Is it my imagination, or are you struggling with something other than your illness''?
Maybe I am; I have certainly neglected this diary and up to now it has been quite cathartic. I think I have been knocked for six by recent events and come up against a brick wall, on many levels.
Warning: you lot will know about what I'm rambling on about, so apologies if it's all a bit deja vu.
Apology #2 - I am sorry I have not caught up with many of your posts or blogs or comments, but running up against that brick wall kinda made me falter, so I hope to be a bit more use now! ;)
So, to address the question:
Hmmm....... good question. I don't know, am I? If it only it was just the cancer itself I had to deal with. With it come so many other things. On many levels. Such as worry about the girls. Worry about work/keeping job. Pissed off that just as I was getting sorted again and was in an enjoyable job and had enough money that it's all been sent up in an uncertain tornado again. Disappointed in certain people, although thankfully not very many. Frustrated that I need help and support, especially from my mother in regard to the children, and feeling suffocated by it at times. Fed up feeling weak and tired and unable to enjoy my friends' company for very long. Having to deal with people who either head-tilt or avoid or panic or run off, and then deal with the moment where (sometimes) they then apologise for doing it. Worrying that if I go on long term sick, will I afford the rent? And underlying it all, barely within hearing, the constant nagging doubt and fear of test results and scan results and the 'what-ifs', because no matter how strong or positive you are, how can you always avoid all that? It creeps up when least expected.
You keep smiling because it helps everyone around you. When you cry they panic and imagine something awful. I KNOW that I will be ok, and that things will get better, and that I am kicking cancer's arse. In 6 short months my life has been turned upside down and inside out and that would be ok if it hadn't affected my kids too. And when you get settled with one treatment plan or one type of medicine then they change it if your lumps play up, which can happen at any time because cancer can be tricksy, and a wave catches you up and throws you around and nothing is certain anymore. And however tired or sad or scared you are, you have no choice but to be ''brave'' and carry on, because there is no other choice, whether you will be better in 3 months or 6 months or 6 years, you have to go through whatever they want to put you through. You could go alternative, eat raw food 24/7 and juice everything you encounter, and I'd love to be able to have enough faith in that because it's what I have tried to follow in my life, but ... ... ... and yet, this chemo etc, it's working it seems, but can have all sorts of side effects. So I am doing chemo and making juices. I have a Hickman line in my chest, and I make positive affirmations to myself. Someone said living with cancer, however long for, is like living with white noise. Always there, whether the cancer or the side effects or the concerns that come with it. I'm not as relaxed as I used to be. I have moments, but they're not the same.
I am VERY lucky, because I have tremendous friends too!! Oh yes, everyone, here, there, and over there too! - and I am bowled over by the support, in its many forms, and I hope my friends know how much it means to me to be treated as normally as possible and to just 'be there'. I hope YOU lot know how very much appreciated you all are too! I don't care how many times I tell you ;-)
I know for sure now that I AM loved. I know how fucking strong I can be, more than I realised. P says she thinks I look angelic at the moment!! My head is all over the place, but I DO know where I am focused, and cancer can jolly well fuck off. Small things make me smile, give me tears of joy, more so than before, and I have always been a soppy sod! I have pangs of terrible envy when I hear someone has just had a fabulous day/trip/holiday, and I rage for a few minutes about why MY life isn't so fucking easy right now. But then I sit with my daughters and we laugh and we share silly moments, or I walk the dog and find rainbows to take photos of, or a stranger catches my eye and grins at me, or I get an unexpected cwtch, and I know that it'll be ok.
As they say, 'this too will pass.' It's just a shit that it happens at all! ;-)
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
