Ok, so HI to shivasmum who is doing RT , and HI to Mandy who is coping with crazy mum, and HI to LM and Tim and Hils who are all having/waiting for dates/ops and tests! Anyone else I have forgotten?? Probably, as my brain is mostly mush, partly due to chemo, partly due to acrrying around far too many thought processes :D
Well, here we are. 7 sleeps before SCT.
As long as they have a bed for me when I call them at 9 am on the 13th ;)
Half of me wants it over with, to crack on, the other half wants it to not happen haha!!
I am a whirlwind of emotions and different headspaces right now. One minute calm, collected, accepting that this SCT WILL ake me better and to bring it on. The next minute i am panicking about my kids and all the Waht-If's surge through my brain and then I have to pinch myself and remind myself that 8 months ago I had a bombshell told to me but nothing has stopped me getting better slowly and this will jolly well continue!
I noticed that my diary entries were getting a little more sombre than at the beginning, not always doom adn gloom, just maybe more reflective sometimes? And then I see new arrivals on the MAcmillan website and read their first few entires and comments and I recognise myself! I was that slightly naive person, bravely laughing at all the shitty stuff being told to me! Yes, I AM still laughing at cancer and kicking its arse still, bt with the experiences that I have encountered, I think the humour becomes more gallows and the dark days rattle more loudly in your head when they make their unwelcome appearance!
I notice that sometimes I feel very protective and worried about my children and friends and family, and sometimes I feel resentful, or irritated etc.
And although I do not want my kids to know how crap I feel and how difficult it is being SO tired all the time, some days, if they are playing up or being stressy, I feel like telling them to shut up because I need no stress to feel better and how dare they they stress over pathetic issues etc... but of course I can't say that because to them they are important issues and it's not my place to give them guilt! ;)
And although I do not want to be fussed over and asked how i am every 5 minutes, if someone DOESN'T ask me or I don't hear from a friend for a while, I feel quite put out! But I do not wanted to be treated differently, that is what I said at the beginning of all this. Yet that is not QUITE true I now realise. Well, nearly not true... see how tricky this gets ?! haha! ;)
I want to be treated the same, but with a bit of extra attention, but only when I am in the mood for that. Fucking hell, it's quite a balancing act for both me and those around me I am sure!!
It's natural I guess... all this being on swings and roundabouts and a roller coaster too.
Do I sound selfish? Or weird? Or like a normal person coping with a shitty disease that fucks with all our heads?!
My relationships with everyone have shifed too. Not massively, just subtle little changes, and whether they have been made by me, or them, or us both, I don't know. Not conscious changes either. And perhaps, it's just me and my head noticing things differently? My perceptions have obviously altered and so I suppose that influences how I interect or how I think we're interacting??
Maybe I need to stop thinking so much :D
Big LOve to all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
