My mum has suffered with cancer for the past 12 years, varying from skin cancer, breast cancer, cancer of the womb and now lung cancer which is a secondary from the breast cancer. Two years ago she was told that there was nothing else that could be done for her, but she wouldn't give in and demanded that she was given chemo, but now in her regular 3 month blood test that that she has to have before she sees the oncologist the cancer markers have increased. It has been extremelly difficult to watch someone who is so close to you suffering so much and there is nothing that you can do to help. At the different times when my mum was undergoing treatment I was offered support, but I thought that I didn't need it, but now I am regretting it as I am settling down with my long term partner and feeling happy within the relationship, but all the stress, anxiety and worry that I pushed away is now at the fore front and it is now beginning to put a strain on the relationship because my mum's illness is getting steadily worse and I've got to the point of depression where I am putting pressure on my partner to get married and have children as I don't know how much time my mum has got left and I really want her to be there to share these occasions with me. My partner is understanding but he is not ready for this at the moment, but I am so desperate for these things to happen as soon as possible so that my mum is in better health so that she is able to fully enjoy them and be a part of them. Any advice?
FormerMember
Hi lizzy,
Just wanted to welcome you here and let you know you are not on your own. I'm so sorry to read about your mum and it must be so stressful for you. You have made the first move in getting some of that stress out by writing it all down here. Because you are so worried about your mum you will not be thinking in a rational way which is why you probably feel so pressured. This is 'normal' in this situation and completely understandable. I'm sure if you contact whoever offered you that support originally that they would be happy to offer it now. I'm sure your mum would not want you to rush things because of her. If you put pressure on your partner when he is not ready for this next step then you will only make your happy relationship an unhappy one which would make you both resentful and I'm sure your mum would not like that to happen? She would probably be much happier knowing that there will be someone there to take care of you once she is no longer here rather you be on your own and very unhappy?
I admit it is so hard to accept that we can't plan everything for our wants and needs ( a lesson I am having a hard time learning myself at the moment lol!) but just take a deep breath and let it all go and try to focus on quality time with your mum now rather than trying to organise the future.
Sending you lots of positive thoughts and love and a big hug.
lizzy i never wonted kids and so dont simon i been a nanny for 6 yeas so fill i done my bit
but from the day i got sick with cancer i fil, i wont them now i never talk to simon about this as i know he dont wont them it some think i have to stop thinking about . as for you chill out a bit with your man this may help him wont a kid . he may think you to stress at mo to have one rght now . when my mum die i never wont kids but i was up set she when with out me having kids dont no why but i was. life changes go with it and be happy with what you have and see what you have and any more come along it is a plus life it for today not if only my love . dont kill a loving family to make some think just to make you fill thats what i need to do . ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( (HUGS ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) jilly ann xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Thanks Pheonix for your positive comments. Since joining the site last night and talking to people in the chat room and starting to put down what i'm thinking and what is going on in my blog I do feel alittle better. At times I almost feel selfish because I am distracting my mum away from concentrating on herself and fighting the cancer, as I am no longer (at present) able to cope with the situation. She is having to support me, when it should be the other way around. I desparately want to make the most of the time that I've got with her but at times I find it difficult to talk to her and even spend time in her company as I dont know always know what to say because the reality of the illness is there in my thoughts. I am definately going to contact someone to support me as I think that it will help as I have bottled up so many of my thoughts and feelings over the 12 years.
Hi Lizzy and I'm sorry to hear that you are having such an awful time at the moment - well, you've been having an awful time for a good while now. You're frightened sweetheart, you are running around in a panic trying to get a hundred million things done in record time. Why? Because that's one of the things cancer does, it forces us to look at the ones we love most in the world in a slightly different light. All of a sudden we realise that our lovely Mums may not have as long left with us as we originally thought, and that thought is what is blocking your mind to everything else. The terror of losing your Mum. I hope you have QUALITY time with your Mum, because that's very important too, the quality of that time and what we fill it with which end up being our memories for the future. So, your Mum will need you to be calm and strong for her and I know how very hard that its to do, but if you concentrate on your Mum being made as comfortable as poosible and that she doesn't have any outside worries, then you'll look back when the time comes and know you did your very best for your lovely Mum - and she'll know it too. I'm sure you love your partner and I'm sure he'll be very understanding of all that you are going through, and of course talk to him all the time about your fears and thoughts and I'm sure you'll both gain strength from one another. Will you tell your Mum I said hello and give her a big kiss, ok? Hold on tight sweetheart, with love kate xxxxxxxxxxx
I understand what you are saying but it is so difficult to be calm and collected when like the majority of people who are affected by cancer you just want the answer of why is this precious member of my family got to suffer in this way. My partner is supportive but sometimes I don't think he fully understands the strain of it all, as luckily for him he has not had to go through this. Due to this when I find it hard sometimes to make sense of what is happening with my mum and deal with it, he just thinks that I'm being grumpy with him, whereas in actual fact I am thinking and almost going into my own little world. I have found sometimes that by shutting everything else out for a while and keeping busy helps, but it is at quiet times such as after work when I get home and am in on my own I tend to dwell on the negative aspects of what is going on. It is hard to stop myself from doing this and the trouble is that by the time my partner comes home I subconsciously give out bad vibes which he automatically takes to be aimed at him, which couldn't be further from the truth. Without him I don't know where I'd be.
