My Terry is occupying himself, watching his beloved Packer football on TV this afternoon. It's 2:30 p.m., here. Because I despise football, I am here in front of my computer pounding my keyboard. I had a few thoughts I'd like to share if you're interested.
The word "normal" came up a couple of times this weekend in a few comments, which triggered a few thoughts I have on the topic.
"Normal". Does it even exist or is it but a state of mind? For those of us who have had to endure that short, three-word sentence, "You have cancer", (or someone you love has it), what WAS "normal", is no longer. Your whole world shrinks down to those three words and the images of no hair, spending time in the bathroom, enduring scans and days at the chemo clinic replace whatever plans you may have had made for that summer get-away or that dream of spending retirement together after decades of working. There are no other words you will ever hear that will cut to the chase as those.
No one, I've come to realize, knows where, when or how their life's journey will end. The difference, I've decided, between those of us in this community of cancer survivors (whether as patients or carers) and those who haven't had to face a life-threatening illness or serious disability is we simply have a more defined/refined definition of probability in when, where and how our life's journey MAY end. There is nothing about any of this that I would wish on anyone but when your world shrinks as ours have been, it does tend to invoke a certain level of urgency in a person to start prioritizing and re-evaluating how we spend our time. Words become more literally defined and important. Time seems to become more of a treasure, not to be taken for granted or wasted. And it can, if observed, offer new opportunities to widen the lens through which you see yourself, the people you love and the world around you.
What is "normal" anyway? The question deserves an answer.
These past five months, as with other threatening situations to my "normal", (losing people I've loved, watching them suffer while the rest of the world seems to be able to enjoy a sunny day or the preparations around a holiday), made me realize I have the ability to define "normal" and whether or not I want to make it my goal . . . to have that elusive state of "normal", so fragile, so loosely defined be my focus. Rather, I've decided to stop trying to find something I shall never be able to hang on to. Instead of trying to fit into the definition of that existence, "normal", I think I shall make it fit into mine.
It seemed so unfair, as my mother lay dying of multiple myeloma years ago, or while my Terry has been lying in the chemo clinic while toxic drugs are being infused into his body . . . that everyone else was able to bustle about, packing picnic lunches or mowing their yards, or doing any one of the other things people seem to be able to do while my world falls apart. It seemed/seems unfair because it is! But through that feeling of being "cheated", I am learning that there isn't a single person on this planet who is immune from suffering of some sort. That commonality, that thread of vulnerability we all share doesn't make me feel "isolated" anymore. I have learned to become more connected to people now with the realization of the truth in that.
"Normal" is a state of mind. Nothing more. You can talk yourself into either feeling "abnormal" or realize you are just like everyone else and they are just like you, with the same fragility . . . the same humanity we all share. And, to have loved someone and have the privilege to share their lives with them is an honor, not a burden. Sometimes we may feel "burdened" by it all and wishing it out of our lives is perfectly "normal". These challenges we all share . . . coping with pain, with loss and despair come to us in waves. Eventually, peace comes. But it is fleeting and cannot be expected to last indefinitely. There is but only one way to achieve that. Life, here, was never intended to give us that. It is an unrealistic expectation. Ride the waves and hope your boat doesn't sink in the process. At least that's my view, on this Packer football afternoon that has given me wayyyyy too much time to ponder such things. :)
Love to all!
