anxiuos

God I agree! I couldn't sleep last night and had heart 'flutterings' (that's what I call them) for about an hour and I thought the worst. Had to see my doc today and she said 'probably just anxiety', followed by my all-time-fave 'dont worry about it'...heard that one before! She's probably right but like you I can only stay so positive. I get asked all the time 'so how are you feeling today' and I feel guilty when i tell them the truth that I feel like crap and I'm so tired I've lost my sense of humour. At that point I get cut up mid sentence with the 'try not to worry about it'. I love all my friends and family, but sometimes I wish I could scream, or cry for a week!

Hi Lisa,

All the best with your radiotherapy next week, and your scan results are good. Look after yourself.

Take care and be safe Big Hugs Love Sarsfield.xx

Hi Lisa, let me assure you it isn't just you. Unfortunately the worry is something we have to learn to live with. Easier said than done I know, but I try to tell myself if I'd never had cancer would that be the first thing that would've come into my mind before? I don't think so, but it doesn't stop the worrying really. I've been having ovarian pain and, of course, my thoughts have been that the cancer had spread. Went for an ultrsound today and all is clear. I was so relieved, but it's horrible going through this all the time. I think as time goes on you relax a bit more, but not completely.

I totally agree that other people's complaints in life become trivial. Having cancer makes you realise what is important in life. I just wish we could all make people have a small taste of this insight, but, life is life eh.

I wish you well with the radiotherapy. Tiredness was my biggest problem with it, but just rest as much as you possibly can.

Best wishes, Christine xx

Hi Lisa,

I have my simulator and CT scan at Christies on Wednesday.  My radiotherapy starts there next Friday.  I couldn't agree more with everything you've said.

I'm not sleeping well at all and so I am well aware than the twitchy left eye lid and headaches are 100% down to the 3 or 4 hours sleep a night for what is now nearly a month, and yet I am still convinced that I have clearly got a brain tumour.  I could stub my toe and blame the pain on cancer.  I'm being completely irrational!  I think to be rational we need sleep, and that's not so easy when all you have in your head when you turn the light out at night is cancer.  It's such a scary word.

The fake smile is exhausting.  I seem to be trying to be constantly that little bit more positive than everyone around me to help them feel better about it.  I am the one joking about it and smiling all the time and telling them it's fine at every opportunity, but I am the one that is going through it and I'm the one that should be being told this!  I would give anything to lock myself in a room right now so I don't have to be positive for a day.  Is it just me that says to themselves "I've got cancer, how do you think I am" everytime you get the "How are you doing?" texts???  And yet I always reply, "I'm good thanks, you?".  

Also know what you mean about the angry moments.  The other day I went absolutely mental about the fact that cancer means I am spending a fortune on petrol up and down to Christies from Bolton.  As if that is the main concern at the moment?!?!  And yet at that moment, that was the worst thing in the world!  I couldn't control myself.

And when I'm not in a rage about something or other bizarre, I am numb.  No emotion of any kind to speak of.  Basically just on autopilot as if I am waiting to wake up from a bad dream.  This may sound strange, but I almost can't remember what it felt like to just be Emma.  The old Emma with no REAL worries.  Strange!

Personally I think cancer is making me lose my mind!!

I tell you what though, after an experience like this we will all be so much stronger.  Like you say, I think if you can get through this and come out even relatively sane, then nothing can ever stand in your way and you will be able to take on anything and win.  It puts everything in to so much perspective.  (Apart from the price of petrol in my case of course haha).  I see my friends status's on facebook about how their boyf's have done this, that or the other trivial thing and how their lives are coming to an end because of it and it makes me laugh!  Until the day you've sat in a doctors office and he says the words "it's cancer" I dont' think anyone can say they know what it's like for their lives to collapse around their ears.  And yet here we all are, going to Christies, having the scary tests and treatment and getting on with our lives as best as we can.  Personally I think we should be proud of ourselves even if it is the hardest thing ever and some days we feel like we're sinking.  You see even though it feels like we are, we aren't sinking, we're doing it.

Take care and best of luck on Friday.

x

Hey Emma maybe we could car pool Im coming from Blackburn Lol.

Im sure we are gonna be there at the same time at some point i have 30 sessions to attend starting from next Monday, maybe we could just have a walk round manchester and kick some arse. Before treatment obviosly as we may be tired after.

And the texts I know what you mean I always reply yeah im good thatnks how are you. Then I think wait a minute if you came round to see me once in a while maybe you would know that. But then again Im known for maybe saying whats on my mind a little too often and have lost some freinds through this. There bloody loss.

Im also the one whose the joker in our house and I see my husbands face bless him when i say things and he looks and thinks nnoooo she didnt just say that but thats me and I am not gonna let this cancer change me so i will continue to joke and paint on this smile. I was just saying to my daughter this morning i cant wait for this to be over so I can be Lisa again, cant wait.

Thanks for all your words of wisdom guys as ever xx