“With hope in our hearts and wings in our heels”. Excuse my ramblings.
I was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer just before Christmas, I am 52 years old and I must admit it came as a complete shock . I started having chemo every 3 weeks and I am now having it every week, I am 9 down and 7 to go, not that I’m counting !!!! In fact, as I write this I am wired up having chemo number 10.
The worse side effect I have experienced is that this whole process has completely effected (affected....i never know the difference) my confidence. As much as I was determined to be bald and proud, it hasn’t really happened and leaving the house was difficult and didn’t ever happen unless I had a hat on with my eyes looking at the floor. BUT, I wanted to share with you all, and I hope you don’t mind, how I am coping and if I help just one person, I would feel really proud.
I have always been a bit of a runner, not competitive or fast, but I loved having a couple of slow jogs each week. When I was diagnosed at Christmas, I thought that was it. In fact, my last few runs before my chemo started was spent in tears thinking that this would be my last bit of exercise for a while.
However, I did continue and have done regularly throughout each chemo. To start with, it was ok, I sometimes left it for a few days or a week but I forced myself to go and do as much as I could. Sometimes it would just be a slow walk, sometimes a slightly faster walk or if I could, a run. My mile times were getting slower and slower but I didn’t care. I realised that I was no longer running for the physical effects but for the mental benefits. It didn’t matter how slow or hard I found it, after I had finished, I felt on top of the world.
I also started to find that the side effects of the chemo were getting less every week, nowadays I have minimal and count myself very lucky, but I do think the exercise is helping.
A massive turning point for me was when i treated myself to a couple of bright green Macmillan T- Shirts. When I put these on for my run, I felt proud of myself. I RAN BALD !!!! My hat was off and I was running through the streets in my green T Shirt, no hat and my chin held high. I got thumbs up, hoots and smiles from passers by. My confidence when I was running began to improve.
What I am trying to say, in my roundabout way, is that it doesn’t matter how rubbish, tired or low you feel, whether it’s a slow walk, run or crawl, just try and do something if you can. Mentally the exercise will help. My Oncologist told me, when I asked her whether it was ok to run, to listen to my body. My body was sometimes unwilling but my head over-ruled.
Most of the time (especially during this weekly chemo) my body says, lay down, go to sleep and don’t be so stupid. However, I’ve have kept my now extremely slow plod going and it makes me feel alive, lucky, proud and strong. I plodded yesterday, after about 200m my legs were telling me to turn round and go home, I felt like I was pulling 3 tractor tyres but I continued, I did it and I loved/hated it but then I got home and felt brilliant.
I have no right to give anyone advise, especially as this chemotherapy malarkey effects us all differently but a small walk will become a slightly longer walk, it may even become a little jog, it doesnt matter, BUT, lack of confidence and feeling rubbish will come and go, hair will grow back, eyebrows will reappear (I hope) but fresh air, a slightly raised heart rate and the odd smile from a passer by is the best medicine I can advise.
Last weekend, I entered a 10k fun run, I wasn’t sure if could do it but thought I would wake up on the morning and see how i felt. But i was determined. The organisers kept me separate from the crowd at the start and off I plodded. In my green Macmillan t shirt I ran, very slowly but I did it. Some people were walking, some jogging, some running, but the atmosphere was great, I loved it.
Cancer is an awful thing, so is chemotherapy and other treatments, but I wanted to share with you how I’m coping. My plodding is my mental tool to kick cancers butt and if you can, please give it a go, you won’t regret it !
Sorry if I’ve gone on too long, I hope I haven’t sent anyone to sleep, and I do apologise for my poor English.
Good Luck everybody, stay strong and let’s beat this thing.
Whether you are a runner or not, I recommend Josie Lloyds, Cancer Ladies Running Club, it is a humourous, emotional, inspirational read. So much of it rang true for me, but it is a definite feel good book whether you run or not.
Thank you to all of Macmillan for their amazing service, help and advise.
