My sadness suffocates me

Well a hospital bed arrived on Friday. Which sort of confirmed everything that we had been told. There was a quietness about the house, as we all came to realise this will be where he falls asleep and gets his angel wings. My brother is too sick to have his Chemo so he was sent home to enjoy what time he had left. I think if he wasnt in so much pain and wasnt so scared I might be able to cope better, but its watching him fading away before my very eyes. This is the boy I played with as a child, fought with, cried at his wedding, cried at the birth of his babies and now I have to cry because Im losing him. He wont sleep in the hospital bed, because he fights every ounce of sleep - he drops off for a few minutes then wakes up. He is still a young man, yet he looks like an old man because this damm desease has ravaged his beautiful face and body. He did however have his stent fitted after major cockups and had his beans, not on toast, but with scrambled eggs. He said he missed the feeling and taste of food in his mouth - something I take for granted on a daily basis. Yesterday he had a bad day and i feel each day is getting a little harder for him and his fight and also for us to watch him suffer. Sorry if I am rambling I have had yet another sleepless night and soon the house will be awake again and my son will be skipping around looking for school books and sports equipment and he will wander downstairs and say "morning mummy - i love you can i have my breakfast" and it makes me smile, cos he says that every single day and as young as he is cannot see the tiredness or the sadness that must surround me. I will keep you posted.