When you sky is falling take my hand I'll hold it you don't have to be alone

My darling daddy is
disappearing in front of my eyes and there is nothing I can do about it.

Yesterday was truely dreadful, dad was a bit moody in the morning but nothing bad so mum went off to work at about 12 she got a call from our lovely neighbour to say Iain Rennie were outside and getting no answer should she go in so mum said no she would call, called three time no answer so called back and said yes please go in.

She went into find dad stuck half on and half off his bed in so much pain he couldn't move, sobbing and in as you can imagine a terrible state. Gill let the Iain Rennie Nurse in and they got him back on the bed and cleaned up (my god this is my dad I am talking about who is 56 not some old man!) and Gill called mum who came straight home with the doctor. Mum then called me in tears and asked me to go over.

I can honestly say I was shocked and devistated by what I saw my dad was in such a state - made worse by the fact that by the time I got there (I only work 5 miles away) the doc had given him massive pain killers and sedatives. I head his hand and told him it was ok whilst tears rolled down my face. We had to get him on the bed better as he was still right on the edge and sadly this meant a whole lot more pain for dad but we did it quickly with the help of the two iain rennie nurses an thankfully he did then settle a fair bit.

They wanted him into the hospice but couldn't get a bed so yesterday I stayed with mum and dad all
afternoon, hand feeding and giving water and helping your dad to the loo is not an experience I would wish on anyone but I don't feel mum can take it all on herself.

This morning he is in the hospice to be assesed and hoepfully stay in for a few nights on pain review. I don't want him in the hospice but after yesterday mum and I both agreed he needs to be where ever best to stop the pain. Getting to the hospice was a challenge in itself it took my brother, mum and me 45 mins to get him down the stairs, he has no idea where his feet are and so James had to help him get his feet down whilst mum and I support him and help him down, this isn't easy as he is so scared it is going to hurt when we touch him.

The doctor is worried about what suddenly caused such an onset of pain and he has suddenly developed a really nasty cough which could be an infection or the start of the lung cancer effecting his breathing. They are also worried he has fractured his upper arm where his bone met is.

I am afraid right now I am about as low as I can get and totally scared that we don't have very long left and can't see any chemo happening anytime soon.