30/9/11
My darling daddy is disappearing in front of my eyes and there is nothing I
can do about it.
Yesterday was truly dreadful, dad was a bit moody in the morning but nothing
bad so mum went off to work at about 12 she got a call from our lovely
neighbour to say Iain Rennie were outside and getting no answer should she go
in so mum said no she would call, called three time no answer so called back
and said yes please go in.
She went into find dad stuck half on and half off his bed in so much pain he
couldn't move, sobbing and in as you can imagine a terrible state. Gill let the
Iain Rennie Nurse in and they got him back on the bed and cleaned up (my god
this is my dad I am talking about who is 56 not some old man!) and Gill called
mum who came straight home with the doctor. Mum then called me in tears and
asked me to go over.
I can honestly say I was shocked and devastated by what I saw my dad was in
such a state - made worse by the fact that by the time I got there (I only work
5 miles away) the doc had given him massive pain killers and sedatives. I head
his hand and told him it was ok whilst tears rolled down my face. We had to get
him on the bed better as he was still right on the edge and sadly this meant a
whole lot more pain for dad but we did it quickly with the help of the two iain
rennie nurses an thankfully he did then settle a fair bit.
They wanted him into the hospice but couldn't get a bed so yesterday I stayed
with mum and dad all afternoon, hand feeding and giving water and helping your
dad to the loo is not an experience I would wish on anyone but I don't feel mum
can take it all on herself.
This morning he is in the hospice to be assessed and hopefully stay in for a
few nights on pain review. I don't want him in the hospice but after yesterday
mum and I both agreed he needs to be where ever best to stop the pain. Getting
to the hospice was a challenge in itself it took my brother, mum and me 45 mins
to get him down the stairs, he has no idea where his feet are and so James had to
help him get his feet down whilst mum and I support him and help him down, this
isn't easy as he is so scared it is going to hurt when we touch him.
The doctor is worried about what suddenly caused such an onset of pain and he
has suddenly developed a really nasty cough which could be an infection or the
start of the lung cancer effecting his breathing.
06/10/11
Dad is doing ok, as well as he can be anyway, he has had a half cast put
onto his upper arm to help with the pain in his broken arm and is on a syringe
driver which is helping with pain although is still need some top ups through
the day. He is suffering really badly with cold sweats which they think is the morphine
but it is being closely monitored.
He has been having quite a few visitors, word has got round to his friends and
quite a few people who used to come into the pub when mum and dad ran it and
they are all popping in which I think has surprised him and done him some good.
At the moment it is too easy to kid myself things are ok as his pain is under
control so it seems like he isn't so bad but I know it is.
He has had a few time when they have had to use a winch type thing to move him
up the bed as he can't move himself, we are having to help him eat due to the
broken arm and the nurses are helping with toilet and washing.
They are truly amazing in the Florence Nightingale and if anyone wanted to
support a truly amazing cancer support unit I would suggest them.
Back at work today after a few days off as got the feeling to much time off
would cause a problem, it is a little frustrating as by 6.30 dad is really
tired and hardly awake so although I will of course go and see him it won't be
for long or to chat much. At least I spent half of Monday and all day tuesday
and wednesday with him this week.
10/10/11
10:10 10/10 Was the date and time we
said put last goodbye to my wonderful amazing dad.
Knowing he is finally out of pain makes things a little more bearable but
knowing all the things that are yet to happen on my life that I won't be able
to share with him is not so bearable.
26/10/11
Are you ok? How are you doing? Not too bad, fine, I'm ok, doing alright,
getting there.
How else are you meant to reply?
Actually I am bloody rubbish on the edge of cry and really not ok! All I want
to do is get into bed and cry, and can't see myself getting there anytime soon!
31/10/11
Keep thinking I am doing ok and then out of no where I am really not.
Worried I have come back to work too soon I can't concentrate or get motivated
at all, felt like a faker being off as most days I was ok, plus due to the type
of work they do both my sister and bro went back quicker than me so felt wrong
to be off.
I don't even know what I feel, really thought I would be ok today but once
again I am not.
Poor Tom must be bored of passing me tissues every evening!
I have to be strong for mum and so need to get control of myself just not sure
how.
It has been 3 weeks today and I am almost worse than I was before.
04/11/11
I haven't cried in a few days, keep feeling I need to but it doesn't come. I feel empty, heavy and like I have a dark cloud over me. I feel robbed that he had to go at only 57 and that I only just got 31 years with him. I miss my dad more than I could of ever thought possible.
