All good things must come to an end, and this current trip, like all the others I have made this year, has been just that. In each case I was worried if I was doing the right thing, since each place and each trip had a Laing reason or association. Why did I worry so? Every journey was the right thing to do. I had demons to face up to, and by facing them I grew stronger with each demon defeated. Don’t think all these victories were won easily.
The first trip to Venice, I went on a walk and found myself where I had borrowed Laing’s camera to show him how I viewed the possibility presented before me. I still don’t know which of us took the better, stronger image.
Then there was Zürich when Laing popped in for breakfast. something both reassuring and terrifying as it was the first (and only time) this happened. This was followed by Berlin when I did our walk from Checkpoint Charlie to the Ostbahnhof without, Carol you will pleased to learn, coming across the world famous Einbahnstrasse. Back again to Venice, a different hotel this time and doing the hunt for locations in David Lean’s “Summertime” This was when Laing would have been good to have with me.
Then it was Washington. A trip we said we should have made and never did. I had to do it for both of us barely six months after he died. Then spending time with another person and, not very successfully for me, as I could not quite adjust myself fully to the needs of another as I had been so used to automatically knowing and understanding what Laing wanted and thought in many situations. At this point I seriously asked myself if I could ever live with another person ever again. I know I am not an easy person to get along with long term, and I was most grateful Laing thought there was something worth hanging on in there for.
However, that trip also was part of the birth of the new me and it also formed part of the build up to my current trip to Singapore and Bangkok.
I decided that I would indulge myself with male grooming. As the hair on my head is, thankfully, not a problem, that left the hair elsewhere. I plucked up the courage (pun, definitely intended) to be waxed here and there. I will do it again.
The tattoo issue has not gone away and will have to addressed between now and Christmas. It is a big move after all. Once done, I can’t change my mind the next week. Having had some temporary tattoos while in Singapore gave me a better idea of what to do and size.
Before I left I contacted a personal trainer. I need to get rid of some flab, though I have discovered some guys like me as I am. I would like less flab, more lean meat. My photographer would like to have another photo shoot with me, and I would like to think the next time would present less of a challenge. As a FWIW moment, even those studly, buffed up boys with their 6 packs have to “suck it in” to make it look good. Note to self, next time, make sure you don’t eat much, if at all, before the shoot!
I have started dating and mating. OK, maybe some of it is merely holiday fun and intentionally so, some is also friendship seeking. I have also met up with a friend I lost contact with several years ago by mere chance, losing touch happens even in the internet era, and I met up at last with a friend who had only been an internet presence.
Oh, and by the way, I have had this year the first time without Laing on his birthday (26 January), our anniversary (14 February), my birthday (9 November). I still have to face up to my first Christmas without Laing, our first wedding anniversary (I don’t give a stuff if the bit of paper says Civil Partnership, we got married), the first anniversary of his death. These three are going to be, forgive my French, fucking frightening. These are the real biggies. I remember our first Christmas together, it was our first Christmas in our house. I made a cake, I did turkey and all the trimmings. Maybe not the best ever, but as has been said elsewhere, you always remember your first time because it was the first. Without going into details, which would be improper anyway, I achieved a very private and personal first in Singapore. Even at 58, as I still was then, this old dog learned a trick or two.
So I refuse to hear of any negative thinking. I have to keep going forward, ploughing through it all until I reach my unknown destination. I have no map or compass, just my instincts to guide me. Most of the time I have been in calmer waters, but there is always an undercurrent of which I need to be aware. It is too easy to get blown off course without realising it and having to get one’s bearings once again.
Phew! What a lot of nautical references from an Airforce Brat! I blame it on the Sea Scouts I joined in Aden, reputedly the only Sea Scout brigade in the Air Force. Happy Days!
