I saw the doctor on Tuesday and got home emotionally exhausted.
I had been out on Saturday in the West End and had a successful shop (see previous blog). However, I was extremely aggressive while I was out and I scared myself with my attitude. After I saw the doctor and had my prescription extended I began to feel calmer. Today I ventured out again on a long haul shop. I kept saying to myself that I needed to calm down, that I needed to accept nearly all the rest of the world is made of complete and utter fools (it’s not their fault). I also didn’t walk anything like as fast as I had done for most of the year. I wasn’t strolling, but I was walking less helter skelter. Today I feel like I am curing myself. I still need the pills to maintain my equilibrium, but I need to do a lot on my own. Last time I was anywhere near as far down as this (a lot worse, in fact) I had Laing to back me up.
We all of us talk about how they are still here helping us through it all, now whether or not that is the case, I have noticed I am finding Laing appearing more in my personality. Whether or not I absorbed part of him into my being or if I am role playing him, as it were, or if he is within me in a spirit form or is still looking over me I don’t know, nor do I care to know. I know I am growing and becoming a different person.
I’m getting better, but it’s the first step on this part of the journey. It’s as though I took a wrong turning somewhere and I am having to find the right route again. A big thank you to all of you, the lovely magical elves of Macmillan.
