It is 00.35 on 24th December 2022.
I am sitting alone in the lounge of our home having awoken 15-20 mins ago to go to the lavatory and subsequently once again 5 mins later having slightly soiled myself involuntarily.
This is not unique as while rarely soiled I am often disturbed on multiple occasions and cannot remember when I last had a full night's sleep. I have had to interupt writing to rush to the lavatory again at 00.45.
This is not self indulgence as having had (00.55 just had to dash again) 2 bowel and 1 cancer surgeries, chemotherapy and 2 ileostomy reversals this is fact not fantasy.
The purpose of this scribe is to communicate the complete and utter loneliness and despair an individual in this position feels despite the love and best wishes of those nearest and dearest.
No amount of alcohol or sleeping medication helps, the former greatly reduced from previous levels, the latter seems ineffective after time.
The surgeries have been life saving but at a cost.
It is not unusual to visit toilet 6+ times at 10 mins intervals.
I cleanse with tissue and wet wipes and use various creams but the frequency of visit results in raw bleeding and discomfort.
My wife and I have had no respite from the consequences of cancer since the initial or perhaps inaugural diagnosis in 2019.
My approach has been toface each issue,take the advice of doctors and proceed with any procedure they recommend.
The reality is that theoutgoing stoic stance does not reflect the internal mental and physical weariness derived from from the effects of the operations, chemotherapy and the effects of the rectum removal.
Each of the procedures is life saving ,appreciated but also life changing.
The bottom ( excuse the pun ) line is life has changed with the resulting issues.
I appreciate there are those worse off than me but on this occasion would ask forgiveness for being parochial rather than selfish.
Anyone, and there will be many, experiencing this condition should be informed truthfully about consequences not just generally " things will be different ".
You live life as you can but never as you have before.
This situation would have been reluctantly acceptable through age bur is notthrough this nasty, indiscriminate illness.
Perhaps a first admission of self pity.
Cancer will be solved sooner rather than later.
