This is not going to be happy or uplifting, informative of even useful but a self-centered piece of rambling - but sorrry I need to write this down.
I know how lucky I have been so far and that what I have been through is for my own good but it has ground me down. I apoligise to all of you who are in far worse situations than me I don't mean to belittle the enormity of what you have faced I can't imagine how some of you have coped. But right now I feel at rock bottom - sorry.
This time last year I was near the beginning of my treatment and was undergoing chemo/radiation prior to my first big op. I was scared but optimistic I felt confident that I would be cured (and probably still do), but my experience of being in the system - the curative conveyor belt has left me a non- person.
What I feel is in contradiction to what has happened. Diagnosed stage 4 but given a really good prognosis, two major surgeries to remove primary and secondary cancer and now on adjuvant chemo I feel like the luckiest person in the world. But with the way I have been treated by the people involved in my care has made me feel like a piece of meat.
I have never had a consultation with my Colorectal surgeon only snatched conversations at my bedside. He is a lovely man and extremely skilled and I am forever grateful - but I don't know what he found in detail - my follow up appointment after surgery was done by the Hepatobiliary Consultant who said everything was fine and then proceede to prepare for his part of the process. Once again this guy is a wonderful surgeon and did a fantastic job but he is so busy that I was never given the time to understand the situation in full and always felt although I was overrunning the apponitment time when I asked questions. My Oncolgist is very thorough but not a people person and he treats me differently when my husband is with me - laughing joking and very polite. If I am on my own I feel like something he just scraped off his shoe. The nurses on the chemo suite are dedicated and wonderful - but they are so stretched. It is not uncommon for me to have to wait 2 hours plus for treatment to begin and it often ends up with people being given chemo in the waiting room, side rooms and doctors offices(which is where I ended up last time).
I should be grateful that I am getting treated and I suppose at the end of the day that is all that matters. Having missed my last two treatments because of low platelets it is a relief not to have to go but I want to get it over with.
The problem is people have got used to the fact that I am having cancer treatment - but I haven't. Quite honestly I am feeling quite unwell at the moment - nothing serious just tired, aching, nauseus etc.
Money is tight, I am cut off from normal life, and I feel extremely lonely.
I am sure this won't last long - I want to be able to give something back but right now I feel completely defeated.
Well I did warn people how self-pitying this would sound but that is how I am at the moment - am I a freak?
