Tuesday morning and a support system of carers to tend to Eds needs moved quickly but too quickly for Ed I think. I had got upset when I woke as I momentarily forgot the situation and then , when the reality dawned that it was not a bad dream , I broke down and cried. This upset Ed who sensed my distress and got agitated yet again and I had to get the twilight nurses to come and give yet another injection. As strangers came and went he still got in a state. I sussed it was his lifelong need for privacy and I got the doctor back.
After a discussion with sons it was decided to take the risk and transfer Ed to the hospice. Here Ed was settled on a luxury electric air bed mattress and I knew we had made the right decision. Even though `unconcious` with all the relaxant at home Ed had objected to people in our bedroom. Here in the Hospice he accepts the care he needs on neutral ground, well thats my interpretation. The journey had been harrowing as if Ed had passed away in the ambulance they would have had to take him to A and E and resussitate him even though he didnt want that. Anyway it didnt arise, thank goodness. here I can sleep next to him and get meals or a shower whilst knowing he is as comfortable as possible in every way. He is still here in spite of having no fluids for 5 days.
Last night I listened to his breathing which was steady and as if he were laying next to me at home. I have recorded it on my mobile so I can play it on my pillow when he is gone and i can imagine him laying beside me and hear his breathing.
All the sons except one have said their goodbyes and he is due back from Spain 9pm tonight. i have told Ed and hope he can stay with us till then as our son is desperate to speak to his dad. They say people can wait dont they and I just know Ed is still active in this situation. I think he will decide when to go. The boys are distraught but showing and sharing their pain which must be good. It looks like Ed will slip away when he is ready, comfortable and free from pain which is all i have ever asked for and feared wouldnt happen. Sad but not as frightened as I thought. Thankyou for staying with us through out this journey, you have all been my rock love leisha xxxxxxxxxxxxx
