We went to see the Oncologist a week or so ago and he explained that mum's cancer had spread to around her pelvis and ovaries now, which was causing the acities to build up so quickly (acities for those who dont know is present in mastatic cancers which has spread and is a build up of fluid that makes your tummy legs etc swell - you need to go and have it drained off, it weakens you as you are draining good and bad and then the hospital/hospice have to replace the good they have taken out) Unfortunately by mum her acities has to be drained by the guide of ultra sound and involves her going to the hospital about ever 2 weeks to go into theatre to drain off the fluid. This can take anything from 5 days to 10 day visits to hospital and it takes it out of her. Her condition is no longer stable and she doesnt want to eat and is getting weaker and thinner by the minutes. She told me the other day she has had enough which was heartbreaking to hear and to look after my dad. How and where I get the strength to have these conversations with her and not break is beyond me. I cant break for her, right now this is about her and I told her to worry about her only. After a catalogue of errors on this hospital visit (she is still in) I will now have to lodge a formal complaint, something we could do without. The Macmillan team at the hospital have however listened and took it seriously and have now recommended she goes to the hospice straight from the hospital to get better care once a space comes free. Mum can no longer do anything for herself and we have to take her to the toilet, wash her, dress her, do her hair, feed her, give her the medication its exhausting and draining. Mum gets so upset that she thinks she is being a burden but between my dad and I (and a demanding job and dog) we manage this on a daily basis. Now the hospice has been offered as an option to get a better level of care. When I think of hospices I think of death - plain and simple. The idea of going to this place where my mum is likely to die soon fills me with fear and gives me goosebumps. As a Marketer I often wish hospices would reposition themselves but the black and white of it to me is you go in and you die and never come out. I cannot get this out of my head no matter how nice the pictures look or I know how brilliant the staff and nurses are supposed to be. I also know that I dont mum to suffer any more than she is right now and I want her to have the best level of care but the hospice once again is niggling in the back of my head and what it represents. I would love to hear from people who are either in a position like me or are using the hospice for their own treatment. I hope to soon post how lovely our local hospice is and there is nothing to fear. Right now every day brings a huge tidal wave of terror, emotions and anxiety, so the hospice is just adding to my fears, but something I need to face up to.
