Hello my lovelies............................On Monday I was pacing my kitchen floor having returned from having a massarge and physio on my arm (side effects from Taxol from last March) waiting for 3 o'clock to come before leaving to see my consultant to find out if my damn cancer had returned or not. I had a phone call to say a friend was back in hospital and has given up even trying to fight his cancer, so I made sure that after my appointment was over, I would go and see him.
I saw my consultant and the grin on his face told me what the results were without him openning his mouth. When I asked him if I could start exercising properly, he said "woman you had major surgery, you should take it steady" They gutted me last June and I plan to return to work has a bouncer in October and I have to be extremely fit for that. He just laughed at me and said "go for it, we didn't expect you to make it but what ever you are doing seems to be working" So after 5 months in remission I go back in November and hope that all is well again.
I know it will come back at some point but until then I shall live my life the best I can, I may return this year, it may return when I am 90, so it is not going to ruin the life I have.
I left there feeling good, knowing that I shall be returning to the job I loved so much before this s**t happened, it was part of the reason I fought so hard and surprised my medical team by surviving . That was the happy part of the day.
I went to the ward where Tim was, I haven't seen him for over two years due to my cancer. This lovely man lost his wife to cancer 13 years ago and raised their three daughters alone and worked, like me Tim is down to earth, he speaks his mind and is a realist. We didn't recognise eachother when we met in that ward. My heart sank when I saw him but we talked for an hour and a quarter, and it was a conversation the two people couldn't have had unless you both had cancer. We talked openly and honestly and Tim was releived that there was no awkardness or long pauses in our conversation.
I said to him that I wanted to die, I couldn't live with the guilt I had for putting my family and friends through this hell, I said I would wake up in the morning, wishing I hadn't, I wanted it all to be over BUT then I told him that if I hadn't fought this with everything I had, that my family and my friends would never have forgiven me. I saw a light come on in his eyes and he knew what I was saying and he cried. We understood eachother and that mattered to us both and he thanked me, I told him that I wish I had someone to talk to who really knew what I was going through, unless you have been there you don't know and I am not belittling those who haven't got cancer, far from it.
I shall be there for Tim, it saddens me and all I can give him is the ability to talk with him knowing that I do know how he feels, his emotions, his pain, his fear but I can't fix him and we all know how that feels.
Take it easy guys and I send hugs to all those that want them....................Love Carol x
