Hi guys......................After 9 months of hell and kicking my own backside and fighting my cancers like a mad woman, I thought about stopping treatment, giving up and just wanting to die and get it over and done with. Anyone who has read my blogs will know how much I've fought this, how much I have relied on having a sense of humour and how positive I have been.
I have been spending too much time alone just stuck infront of the damn tv, unable to go out and do very much because of my treatment. I am and always have been a social animal, when I was working as a nightclub bouncer I would see over a thousand people each weekend and loved it. My friends have stayed away only because they all felt I needed to rest, they phoned all the time and didn't know that I was dying of loniless because I didn't tell them.
I thought it was time after having these black feeling that I had to collar everyone and say "I NEED TO SEE ANOTHER HUMAN BEING FACE TO FACE", "I NEED CONVERSATION"
What a response I got, amazing. Friends have been around and we have talked laughed and those stupid thoughts are now gone. All I had to do was say something.
Last night I went out to a mates house for a girlie night and saw mates I haven't seen in ages, which was great and then went to the nightclub where I used to work and was hugged to death by my door crew and my bosses and all the other staff and then customers clicked who I was and they where queing up for cuddles, wow it all blew me away. My mind wanted to go out but my body said no stay in and rest, I dragged myself out of bed, got ready, I even put on make up, put my wig on and went out regardless and I am so glad I did.
Today I feel like I've been run over by a train but I don't care I feel a great happiness within myself.
Don't sit there in silence like I did, just say how you feel and do something about it, the results will blow you away........Much love Carol the happier Kezzerbird x
