Well….
this is crazy. I’m not scared of the cancer although it’s scary. I’ve had health problems for over 20 years. I’m used to being in pain and having insomnia but this is a whole new level of exhaustion.
if I’m lucky I get a few hours, then I’m up all night and day. I’m staying positive and determined to face whatever comes.
I just feel like I have to connect and make peace with people. More so for myself. I tend to isolate anyway. After my Son was killed I became very protective of my time and space. I struggle with crowds and events. I am the wallflower type. I like to stay in the background.
im finding the reality of appointments and stuff a little overwhelming. I tend to prefer one on one situations. I’m not antisocial just very selective of my physical space.
This situation has made it much worse. Yet I feel like I need to reach the people I’ve drifted away from. I’m more worried about my daughter. She has autism and is terrified of losing me. It was like that before the cancer diagnosis. Now she’s made it clear that if she lost me she would end her life or try to.
I’ve put some things in place for her but I don’t know what else to do. I mean I’m not going anywhere. We’ve caught my cancer early so I should be fine. We have a strong faith and believe in heaven. I’ve told her the same thing I tell myself. If we were to take our own life we couldn’t see her brother again so we can’t check out of life, no matter how awful it gets sometimes.
I use those words because we struggle with mental health on good days but bad ones get pretty dark sometimes. I don’t know if I’m strong or just pretending. I feel frustrated and impatient myself. I’m the one that runs the house, cooks, cleans, shops and sort bills.
im super tired because my brain won’t stop. Even with all I know at this point, I still feel hyper focused on what needs doing to prepare. Silly stuff too… like what I’d need for hospital if I have to stay there for a few days. What meals I need to make and freeze.
my brain is tired
