Just when you think you are getting somewhere.....

Hi there little warrior!

Of course you're doing great and you have every reason to feel proud of what you have achieved.

It is still early days for you. I remember well this couples thing and how in the first months after my wife died I felt intensely jealous of couples walking down the street hand in hand, I missed the hugs and talking things through before we did anything.

I'm glad to hear that you've taken up music again; my wife and I enjoyed music a lot and that was something which I carried on with. It helped me make new friends and gradually come to terms with my new status.

So I'm sending the biggest of hugs for you and remember we arre always here for you whether you want to just let of steam or have a whine.

Colin xxx

Hi Colin

Thanks for your comment. Good to hear from you. Howya doin'?

Yes, music is a godsend for me.  I have to concentrate hard and can't think whilst I'm playing or singing (too busy trying to count and read the notes!!!!) And it gives me an excuse to get out, meet people in a sort of way, and go to concerts which I enjoy and even workshops to try and improve. This isn't something I did when D was around, so I guess it's a new discovery of something that used to be important to me years ago. And it keeps me busy...........

Thanks for the hug. I needed it. If I'm honest, I'm jealous of couples. There is that easy banter, that comfortable knowledge that there's someone else to share the decisions, the practical tasks, the worries. And to just lean on in so many ways. The reaching out and holding a hand, the awareness of another presence in bed and so on......  Oooh. It's tough. How can they know the sheer bally awfulness of being amputated, sliced in half, sawn down the middle with a blunt chainsaw, having your heart ripped from your chest, hastily pushed back and the wound sewn over very shakily. How can they possibly know?

So here we are, the walking wounded, wandering around, making the best of a dreadful job. And this grief is so cunning and tricksy and snidey and devious, it allows you to lull yourself into a false sense of feeling ok, and then wham right round the corner it comes hurtling straight at you again..........

Still, I should know about doing stuff on my own. If you've never had brothers or sisters you learn to get on with things from an early age. Thank goodness for my lovely kids, my amazing neighbours and my friends even if they are couples. 

Jen XXX

Hi Jen,

I'm doing OK thanks. I'm 2 years post treatment and my cancer is still nowhere to be seen!

As for bereavement, I'm 25 years down the road and have got used to the new me. Ok, I still get a little eye incontinence when I think about what should have been, but at least I have some very happy memories to fall back on.

You actually make music?! WOW! I'm impressed. The only way I make music is with the aid of a CD player. We once had a violin teacher come to our school, so I dug out the family violin and went off to classes, but he was only interested in taking on violin pupils who could already play another instrument. On top of that, the school music teacher divided our class into singers and non=singers, and you can guess which group I fell into!

When I go to concerts I am lucky that I see many of my friends are there, and it no longer matters when you are in your 70's whether they are single or couples!

I never had brothers and sisters either, but I have two lovely "children" (I hope they don't read this!) and my daughter lives near and is a great support when I've a crisis.And my lovely friends also rally round to help without being pushy.

Colin xxx

Colin -

That's good news about the 2 years. Long may it continue.

Oh and I am no musician, I can tell you. But I do try - heck am I trying!!! And I don't really have a voice, but I was lucky enough to find a local choir whose members are forgiving and tolerant and see their choir as more than a group of people who sing...... That's the great thing about music, don't you think? It brings people together and you're right. It doesn't matter about the couple thing.

On a good day, I guess you learn to deal with being single again. And the things I feel comfortable with, the music, the garden, the walking (I'm lucky to have a lovely friendly dog), art etc may be things which avoid putting myself in an obviously 'couple' situation. And yes, there are even good things about being the person who calls the shots. I get to choose the TV programmes, for instance! And yes, I do know I will always carry my D in my heart. He will always be a part of me. But the moments when I realise exactly what it means to be on my own just flatten me and I miss him a very great deal. As you wisely said, it is early days yet, although 10 months seems both nothing and a lifetime. 

Well, I have to turn this dreadful experience into something positive. Maybe, getting involved with a cancer charity will be the thing to do. I'm not yet sure, but feel I have something to share which I'd like to think could be a tiny step towards improving the lot of others. 

Anyway, I'm glad you have your daughter living near. My daughter is amazing. She reminds me of her Dad - the same practicality & willingness to get on with stuff mixed in with a certain dignity.

Take care of yourself,

Jen XXX

Hey Jen,

I only just saw this and I think I said it all already somewhere else, so just wanted to send my warrior friend the biggest of hugs. Bug ones. and some courage and light and my goodness if you look behind you, you will see just how far you have travelled and how amazingly well you are doing!

I am so very proud of you... and the odd sob on the kitchen floor is ok too and it washes away things and otherwise, I am walking alongside you one step at a time and when those boots get a bit heavy, I'll hold your hand and pull you along a bit.

keep singing

LM xxx