well ive had a glass of wine which i dont usually do but im home alone, well with billy his friend and 4 dogs (two ours) Ive had a shit week,i hit rock bottom and am ashamed to say that on Monday i thought about walking in front of a bus but i didnt so thats good,i had other horrible thoughts about my family but i am far too ashamed to write them down.By Thursday i couldnt stop crying so i got to the docotrs in the afternoon,i took billy along,partly as i wanted him to hear how badly i felt and partly for support,i was there 35 mins and she was so good and patient,she offered two things,one was to go on new anti depressants and see her weekly with the view that billy controlled my tablets,(shamefully i attempted an overdose 4 year ago) or she would have me assessed at the royal edinburgh (nutty house hossie!!) with a view to being admitted till i felt better,i opted for the first option as i dont want to upset the kids,and im scared ill get worse being in hospital.I dont think ive cried so much in my life infront of anyone else before. My dad texted from Miami asking how i was so instead of my usual ok thank,i told him money was tight and i was blue,i emailed him as i have no money to top up my phone and when i do the kids just use it,my mum told me i was a doormat and i just ket everyone walk over me which made me feel worse. I told him i live off well under a grand a month and he mailed back asking how much i wanted to relieve the pressure,i turned him down,i told him i have enough for bills,food but not much left for extras and as i had been ill and billy not working xmas was worrying me more than anything,he wrote back saying not to worry he will help me out nearer the time,which was great,i just feel we need a lucky break right now. My mum cheere dme up on friday by buying PINK! tickets for me and my sister for christmas,she got one for billy and herself but she wants me to pay for billys as she wouldnt spend that much on him!!
Anyway Sat-starts off good,kids going to mums for the night,sitting having a cuppa and the post arrives,im 45 quid in rent arrears,im 15 quid overdrawn at the bank and will get charges for that and ive been turned down outright for DLA even though the benefits advisor in Maggies centre talked me into putting in a claim when i wasnt sure, she filled out the form for me,but looks like i aint bad enough for any help...great,2 diazepam and a glass or two of wine has been the only way ive got through the day.Why do you get letters on a sat when you cant do anything about it?
My friend works in a launderette and has offered me two shifts a week and if i keep cleaning one day a week maybe things will improve for me.I know ill have to tell dss that i will be doing this but surely i have to be a bit better off.
back to the wine.
