'Team Ryan'

Hey all - Had an amazing 10 days in Italy (Lake Garda). Allowed ourselves only one day of talking about the BIG C whilst there, covered lots of things including the difficult subjects i.e. what to do when he gets 'proper poorly', his funeral and life for our family post-cancer. I really needed to do this as my mind and dreams had been racing recently and I was beginning to get 'panicky' that I would not be able to forfil his hopes and wishes. It was such a relief to talk and discuss the practicalities and feelings and thoughts behind them. As an Army family, we really have no real 'home' - we have 2 flats that we rent out but have never lived in or would want to - where do I go, what do I do, where do I belong other than by his side? Anyway, felt better after talking. Other than that, holiday was spent relaxing by the Lake, reading, riding our motorbikes in the mountains and Lakeside (we took them with us by trailer) and generally doing the other 'holiday stuff' that tranquil holidays generally consist of. One scary moment though - were in the car on our way back to the apartment when David (the driver) gasped three swear words (same 'BAD' word but three times) getting louder each time - then, "THERE'S A SCORPION IN THE CAR!!". You can imagine my reaction... one emergency stop and after I had thrown myself out of the door, it turns out that he didn't mean to say the word 'scorpion', he meant to say the word 'hornet' but it just came out wrong. Ladies, is it me? So, came home to Bavaria on Tues p.m, flew to UK on Wed a.m for first chemo session. All went ok and we just hoped David was one of those whose side effects were minimal. Not to be - literally an hour and a half later came his first dry retch. The next day was spent in the hotel room (and bathroom) retching and we travelled back yesterday (Saturday) with a similar story even though I had gone back to Guys to get additional anti-sickness drugs. Didn't help that when we got to Munich Airport, we were informed our suitcase (with all his chemo drugs in) was not put on the flight!! It arrived at our house 2 hours away at 11.30 pm. We are both really worried cos he had already lost lots of weight from his oesophagectomy 10 weeks ago and since the chemo, has not managed to keep anything of substance down and is retching as soon as he sees/smells food too. He has lost a further 6lbs in 3 days, which was 6lbs he can't afford to lose. Going to get an early appointment with our doctor tommorrow and see what can be done as it is really distressing and exhausting for him mentally and physically. Should find out this week when the Army will move us back to the UK - can't deny that though we absolutely love it here, we both feel the need to be re-based back to the UK as soon as poss as the constant travel back and forth for appointments and treatment is just not practical. I am also feeling that we will all soon feel the need to be nearer friends and family for support and hugs. Anyway, big love to all of you out there fighting the disease or caring/loving those who are fighting the disease. Til next time.. Julesxxx p.s. Feel better for blogging - its good to talk!