I watched my grandmother, the most special person in my life, die of cancer 7 years ago. The grief never goes away totally, but I've learned to live with it. Last August (2009) my partner was diagnosed with prostate cancer, and we haven't yet started having children of our own.
I'm so proud of him, he's researched thoroughly for months, has tried some very strange diets, one of them including very hot chilli peppers and garlic every day for breakfast, colourful drinks that I wouldn't dare taste, and he's been focussed on meditating, exercise and now has just been through a 2 month intensive ayveretic treatment in Sri Lanka. He comes home in 2 days, and we'll see what his PSA levels are next week.
This is the first time I've actually began to really think about it in terms of how I really feel. Since finding out last year, I've been very matter of fact and kept it at distance. The thought of seeing him go through what I saw my grandmother go through terrifies me.
But I'm only now just beginning to address how I feel about it, and yes, absolutely we still have much hope. We've been lucky that he's had some time to try alternative ways before opting for an operation. He's been more open and accepting of the reality of it more than I, and he tells me that his perceptions about life have definitely changed... I look forward to hearing more when he comes home on Tuesday.
I'm also challenging my own thoughts and attitudes towards the subject of death and dying - and as I keep thinking about it, strangely enough, I feel like I'm facing my greatest fear. Of course I hate the thought of my partner getting ill, and losing him, which is why I probably haven't allowed myself to really feel anything about his diagnosis. Instead, I've been researching our western attitudes towards death and dying, even though it still feels a bit like a taboo subject, I think people are beginning to be more open about it now.
So I've decided to take on a project - to produce a photographic book about death and dying (with accompanying text) - to not only help myself come to terms with it, but maybe it will help others too. I'm finishing my masters degree in photojournalism so I'm dedicating the next 4 months to this project (up to Sept 2010). If anyone wants to join me in this journey, and hopefully provide support to each other, or if you just want to know more, then feel free to get in touch (via Private Messages).
