O how things change from week to week, am back on the blasted rollercoaster and i really wanted to control that one, in fact i thought i was............
Have been home just over a week after my mastectomy and reconstruction surgery, the first few days i felt great i imagine it was because i was back in my own surroundings and i was relieved the surgery was over. I seemed to have veered between high low and very low all in the space of 10 days. Every morning i wake up determined to stay focused and positive in order to psych up for the next hurdle.
Its so difficult, I look in the mirror and see before me someone else (frankensteins sister is how i feel, will my man ever find me attractive again) I know it all looks revolting at the mo as i am so swollen and bruised my flap as the docs refer to it is horrible, its ugly and unsightly in fact i have taken now not to look at it and instead keep covered up, even when i shower..........................
I sound so bludy ungrateful because these docs have saved my life and all i can do is moan about how i look, i know i need a reality check, but there are days i cry secretly, i have taken to wearing the baggiest clothes/pyjamas i can to disguise my horrible body.I dont imagine i will ever feel or look normal again, I am very sore and tender in certain areas and then other areas are completely numb. its early days and all my visitors are amazed at how well i look or so they say, and yes i might do on the surface but inside I am the saddest gal in the world at this moment in time and they would never know.
My onncologist was so impressed with my recovery and healing he has decided to start the chemo in two weeks. Of course to the outside world I am deaing with it, and to my family im dealing with it, you all know different and what a relief to share it with you here because nobody else can ever understand...................... can they?
My best friend came over and even she made a dumb comment about how i was walking :( i laughed it off but it hurt im not wonder woman im not invincible im human. I had three surgical procedures on 23rd June all in one go, can i have some slack.
Guys as ever thanks for reading, am sorry to rant but today more than ever it has me and try as i might i cannot shake this feeling. I can feel my positivity shrinking and im frightened. Please tell me it will be ok.
Love to you all
Jules xx
