Here I go again

1 minute read time.

FormerMember

15 Oct 2009

I lost my husband 3 years ago to Mesothelioma. We adored each other and I miss him very much.

Life has been hard this past 3 year I have struggled to go on without him.

I have met a lovely man with many of my husbands qualities and he loves me very much. I love him too but not in the same way as I did my husband.

Both men are alot of years older than me. Funnily enough both have the same name.

Anyway my reason for being on here is that 3 months ago my bowel perforated and I was diagnosed with Rectal cancer. My surgeon said that the tumour was localised to the rectum and 2 lymph nodes. That a course of chemo and maybe radium should increase my chances of it not returning. So my future appears good.

The thing is I don't care! I want to be with my darling husband and this makes me feel so terrible and feelings of guilt overwhelm me. My darling hubby had no choice, he didn't want to die and I am sure he is with me now telling me to keep fighting.

He would be so angry with me. My feelings scare me. I am not thinking about my lovely new partner who has supported me all the way, he goe's with me to every appointment and took care of me during my first chemo session last week.

He is 72 and I am 55, I don't deserve him. I should be thankful for my prognosis.

After reading some of these blogs I feel ashamed!!

Am I a terrible person?

I know I am. Please God give me the strength to go on!

FormerMember over 15 years ago

No! You are `not` a bad person!! you are "human" you have a heart!! you have feelings!! You are going through a process; a process of trying to make `sense` of all what's happening to you. And indeed what has already happened in your past.

You must `not` feel bad, nor guilty! as you're emotions ( and reactions to lifes-events) are like a `Language` they just need some "interpretation"

and sometimes we (like `Tourists` on holiday; to use one Analogy!) do not quite understand what's being said?? or what's happening??

`Time` is like mother-natures nurse; it will heal, it will display, it will reveal, it will "show-you-the-way"

All I will say is; trust in you're love! trust also in you're heart! fight-it "together" and `never`-surrender!!

Deepest regards+wishes for the future.

Ian (kingleon61)
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FormerMember over 15 years ago

"never-Surrender"

deepest regards+wishes Ian (kingleon61)
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FormerMember over 15 years ago

Jujuc,please dont be so hard on yourself

you dont deserve to feel this way. after

all its not your fault you have cancer.

To have been married to a lovely man.

that you loved and lost, going thru hell

without him then picking yourself up and

having a second chance of someone

making you happy again is wonderful.

Getting cancer has taken your new

confidence away, that's understandable,

but please dont let this wicked illness

win its game, cancer causes so much

heartache ,not just your body suffers,it

plays with the mind as well. There's two

of you fighting this illness and your man

loves you very much to be there for you.

Dont throw the love you have found in his face, grab this second chance, with

him by your side you will have the will

and strength to get through this, and im

sure this is what your hubby would want

you to do. Life is precious. and there are

so many people fighting on there own to

beat this illness to live to see another day,

so please dont let yourself and those who

care for you down. come on to this site,

people here will help you when you have

low days and want to scream, thy know

what your going thru and understand.

Sending you a BIG HUG, and have faith

in yourself.

With Love Lucylee.XXXXX
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