Starting at the beginning... Serves you guys right for being so supportive about this blogging thing! Just opened my note book and out fell a huge chunk of my hair that I cut off after the first chemo. Also 2 newspaper clippings that I had stored. 1: A study on binge drinking that found 130% increased chance of breast cancer in women who drank 22-27 alcoholic drinks per week. 2: Scrubbing floors- "from an analysis of 220,000 women , they concluded that pre-menopausal women who did their own housework were 30% less likey to develop breast cancer than those who did none." I guess I was asking "why me?" at the time that I saved the cuttings. Or was I just feeling guilt ridden about being a lazy lush? (Although my drinking days had long been over I guess in my yoof I did probably manage the dizzy hieghts of more than 1 unit of alcohol at a sitting)
I did check my breasts.. not as a intergral part of my routine but hapazardly every now and again in the shower with a bit of soap and a squeeze. I am not sure that even in Marie Claire I have seen a how to check yourself article that actually uses the piano playing finger movement that my oncologists use. (or maybe British oncologists don't do that...) In December 2007 I found a lump. Not just a pea sized thing but a walnut sized thing. It seemed to move when touched and was not sore. It felt like one minute it wasn't there and the next.. hello. I spent the next month with my hand straying to my breast to check. Each time I was surprised to find, yeap, still there. But, it was December and I had a wedding to go to... in the UK and then a family holiday planned in Canada with my sister in law. So as one does; women in general, mother's in particular; I kept quiet and, apart from my own boob groping (yeap, still there) everything was normal. The wedding was such a fabulous event and as well as seeing two of my most special people tie the knot I also got to catch up with loads of old friends. "How are you?" they asked. "Me, I'm fine.. found this funny lump in my breast but apart from that all is well." Of course I didn't answer. Christmas in Canada was such a wonderful family affair. Harry, my oldest, was a bit upset that snow is actually cold and wet but apart from that we had a brillant time. When we got home I made an appoitment with my gynacologist. He did that piano playing thing they do around both breasts and proclaimed the lump, probably nothing but it had to come out. The easy solution and how I readily agreed. He booked me in for two weeks hence. I couldn't do the week before as I had a wedding to go to! He did not take a biopsy and did not send me for a mamogram. I did not go for a second opinion. I have had friends who have had lumpectomies and found benign tumours, I just assumed mine would be the same. On the day of the operation the doctor gave me what I guess was probably valium and a local anasethic. I was high as a kite and told them to turn up the heating and change the background Mozart for the Beetles. As the doctor wrestled the tumour from my breast he said, "mmm, don't like the look of that!"
When I got home I couldn't quite remember if he had said that or not. Had I been imagining it I wondered. I spent some days thinking, "surely he wouldn't really have said that as I now had a week to wait for the results?" "Oh everything is fine, just have to wait for the results." I told everyone. I couldn't sleep. I spent the nights pacing.. no, I lie. I spent the nights watching crap on tele. "Snakes on a Plane" was my favourite. Just the right amount of mindless violence, unbelievable plot lines and of course no soppy interludes. I didn't need any help to cry thank you very much. I have a pain in my right hip and have done for a while. I just kept thinking I would lose my leg, breast I can deal with, leg not so sure. (Bone oseo has since revealed no metastisis there but the pain goes on) The mantra wouldn't it be funny.. etc doesn't work so well on a leg. I need my leg, not my breast. But I guess if it comes to it after all there is always a worse case scenario as the Cancerbacup website shows. Youngest child awake after his nap so must stop here and tomorrow I may carry on... and on and on... looking back on the first few months I still can't sort out how I should be feeling. Shit I have cancer I could die, help, this isn't happening to me or at the other end of the scale chillout it's early breast cancer get over yourself will you? At least I have stopped making everyone who travels in the car with me listen to Kylie Monogue.
P.S. Is it just me or are the maths questions stressful? 3+4= 7 yes I am sure it is 7 or am I? yes pretty sure. Oh no what if I get it wrong.. help does that mean I will no longer be a human visitor.
FormerMember
Could I put an advance order in for the book? I know you're talking personally about a subject that none of us here would wish to have experienced, although we have in some shape or form, but I'm really enjoying your writing!
And it just goes to show that no matter where you are in the world, the treatment meted out to us remains the same, often lacking in information, sensitivy and support!
Your earlier description of the drains had me in fits of giggles! Mine were in my pelvis and groin, I expected them only to go about an inch or so - how very wrong I was! The pelvic once was the first to be removed and I swear it must have been a good 18 inches long! Why doesn't anyone prepare you for that!! Like you I almost lost the second accidentally, caught it on one of the levers on the bed, must have pulled about 2" out, but luckily there were many more!
