More Ramblings from jude

Ramblings And the drain goes on. However, it has pretty much stopped and I guess by Thursday I should be drain-less and looking for a chicken filet bra. Today my arm finally started to feel quite a bit better. Doing my exercises I could almost straighten it out without wincing. The discolouration is still there and the skin is peeling and ugly, but I am starting to be able to use it again. Today, in the shower, I managed to lift my arm high enough to give my armpit a proper clean, not just swishing water around it. Imagine my surprise to find hair there. Yuk, I guess the depilatory action of chemo has worn off and I will have to start shaving again. How? Maybe I will not attempt that just yet. I wonder if I should be using deodorant on both armpits now as it has quickly become part of my routine to just deodorize one side. Do I smell I wonder and why am I still having hot flushes? The doctor was keen to inform me that I would regain fertility when the chemo stops and that the effects were only temporary. Hello, no way, I have two children and I so don’t want to go through the menopause… twice. What does smell is the drain when I open it to empty it each day. It smells, well, like a drain. The other day I left my boys in the bath while I popped into their rooms to get their pajamas. As I scuttled back I heard the sounds of merriment through the open door and entered to find they had discovered a new bath toy. Of course it was the measuring cylinder that I use to measure my bodily fluids. Yuk! Is female flesh thinner than male? I have watched my husband’s chest; it does rise and fall as he breathes. Thank God I guess, however, I can’t make out the individual heartbeats as I can on my own chest now. It freaks me out but I am drawn towards looking at it. I can pretty much count each pump of blood flutter underneath my now healing scar. I also relish swigging cold drinks. I swear that I can feel the cool liquid going down my esophagus on its way to my stomach. I wonder if skinny men feel this all the time. Various visitors have commented on the fact that I appear to have lost weight. This I gather is not a compliment and not something someone with cancer should do. The thing is I haven’t lost any weight, what I have lost is a breast and I guess that that makes me look thinner. A top tip that they don’t tell you in glossy magazines. I also think maybe it is time I went back to work. My days should perhaps be better filled than counting my own heartbeats and following the progress of cold beverages in my body. However, have not missed work at all and it feels such a long time since I was there. Last week my direct boss even wrote my reports for me. Now there’s understanding for you! I am enjoying being a stay at home mum, especially one who has pretty much full time help and a very supportive mother in law. There, now I have lost any sympathy vote that I may once have had for being so far away from friends and family in the UK. I have really enjoyed watching Indiana Jones with my boys in the afternoons and pandering to Jeronimo’s obsession with Spykiz. At night I still don’t sleep well and am seriously bored of sleeping on my back. However, I have graduated from “Snakes on a Plane,” to “Shaun of the Dead” and “Hot Fuzz”. My long-suffering hubbie just about tolerates English humour until about midnight and then he becomes tetchy and rolls over and goes to sleep. “Life of Brian” without Spanish subtitles maybe pushing my luck though. Have been told by friends and family that showing the “bag of blood” whilst “skyping” is not really on, as much as they love and care for me, they don’t necessarily need to share in the secretion of my bodily fluids. How mean… are they not interested in my plight? However, have given my mum the “What now” website so that she can read my ramblings and maybe join the banter in the chat room. She might however not be up for being tagged as “Jude’s mum”, who knows? My chat room virgin status is now broken but still not a regular as 9pm UK time is generally quality time with the kids Mexico time. However, watch this space and let’s see if the chat room has stopped throwing everyone out! Lately on the site I have been reading lots of people’s bad news and hard to deal with diagnosis’s it makes my ramblings look petty and unimportant, but I guess we all are dealing with our own things and the contact with other sufferers at whatever stage of treatment or journey is what keeps us coming back each week. My heart goes out to everyone who has not had good news and even if I don’t have the nerve to send you a message and say that I am thinking of you, well, I am, every day as I try to beat this thing and carry on.