You would think that after bashing cancer into remission dealing with work issues would be a piece of cake! My head is all over the place at the minute so not sure if I'm making mountains out of molehills ... am good at that lol! Theres been a lot going on at the minute and am feeling a bit fragile, so embarrassed at work yesterday cos kept bursting into tears and then ending up apologising profusely to the poor girl that shares an office with me, but no amount of cheek biting stopped the flow!
Was a rough week last week after Grandma passed away and this week not easy while waiting for funeral on Friday but seemed to be one thing after another at work and really starting to feel bullied but like I say maybe its me ...
I went into work last Tuesday thinking that I would cope and it would take my mind off things but was a complete wreck so phoned my manager and between sobs asked if I could go home, agreed to give me bereavement leave and to sort paperwork out when I got back. Being away from work last week helped me to get my head together a little and although I wouldn't say fighting fit I went back to work yesterday ready to get stuck in and catch up. I filled in the necessary forms for bereavement leave and also requested leave for my hospital appointment - have to request this as disability leave.
First that set me off was response that my bereavement leave would be without pay, hadn't anticipated this as I have always approved this with pay for any of my team, did query it but got nowhere and told I would have to go through formal grievance process to appeal. Had so much trouble when I first got back to work the thought of going through this process makes me feel physically sick.
Next I got a message telling me cancer isn't covered by DDA when I know it is and also told she doesn't consider me disabled ... not sure why this upset me as don't consider myself disabled most of the time, just on off days when pain or breathing troubles set in. There is really no outward sign of what I've been through ... no-one can see chest pain or how aware you are of every breath ... most people don't even have to think about their breathing so maybe that's it ... I just look too well!
I have been struggling to get part time hours sorted and since returning to work in November have had to use all my holiday entitlement so that I can work half time but they approved reduced hours on a temporary basis from this week as holidays have run out. I was really concerned about managing my finances so brought this up at beginning of March so that things went through smoothly and I wouldn't be in a position where I had to pay work back as transition to half wage will be difficult enough and explained this to my manager. Filled in all required forms in plenty of time only to get my payslip today and find I've had full pay. Have followed this up and the paperwork hasn't been put through and manager said she apologised but had not sent the variation and would do it today and payroll would sort out to take the money back next month. I have a solution and am going to put half of my wage into savings account to draw out next month to cover the problem but will lose a months interest on savings ... not that its much these days ... but this set me off again. Not helped because I don't have a set working pattern and have to change my days regularly to attend meetings, have asked if this will stop when they get someone for the other half of my job, but the response was dunno ... will have to think about that one.
At the minute I am meeting my performance targets but lately I am spending so much of my time dealing with my own personal return to work issues that I am worried I will end up on capability and performance proceedings and can't afford to have no job at all.
Colleagues are advising me to go to the union but I was put under so much pressure when I involved the union after first returning to work I just don't think I have the strength, wish I could stop crying and get angry instead but have always been a bit on the emotional side so don't think that's going to change any time soon.
I had an occupational health appointment for Monday so have phone them and asked to go ealier and they have put me in for Thursday, not sure what help they can give me but going early gives me something less to worry about over the weekend I guess.
Anyway sorry for banging on and having a moan when everyone is dealing with much more important issues but do feel a little better for writing this down.
