Have spent most of today at grandmas, she's been asleep for most of the day, waking moments have been brief but difficult for her. She is one determined lady, fading away and unable to stand but when she does wake she pushes with every ounce of strength in a bid to get up. She does OK during the day time but struggles at night and is so so scared.
Her pain has been getting worse though, with her sitting doubled over soon after waking, the doctor has been visiting every day and district nurse twice daily now. I stayed until the nurse came again today but have just had a call from mum to say that doctor and nurse have decided that she needs more pain relief in the syringe driver and are putting her diamorphine up to 90mg (from 60mg) as she has needed regular injections for breakthrough pain and its still not being controlled. Nurse has explained to them that once the new dose starts going through it should take the pain away but she has said that grandma will go into deep sleep and probably won't wake up again.
I just don't know how to feel, one minute bawling my eyes out, mainly when I'm on my own and dwell on it, the next glad she won't be suffering for much longer, then guilty for thinking that, next minute angry that she couldn't have any treatment to fight the bloody thing like I did, she just got pain relief. At minute just numb ... wondering when the call will come ... and wishing it never had to.
