well woke up this morning and the first thing that came into my head was chemo only 9 days away for gods sake not what time is it cos i got to get my son to euston by 11 or i have to waken up my daughter for work but bloody chemo !!! its doing my head in its all i can think about and i so want to scream leave me alone !!!! but i know it wont cos im so scared of this thing!!!!
i dont want to think of being sick or ill because right now im not ill im ok well know i have cancer but i havent got any awful pain which im so lucky not to have i know what it is!!!its looking like a bag of nails i so cant handle when i look in the mirror and think "hey girl whats happened to you"
its this self pity i cant stand !!! where has that come from???.. wasnt there in September and its raised its ugly head .....maybe my son was right when he said im a drama queen !!!! did it come in a letter with my results that ive got cancer or is it a compulsory bloody thing whenever the consultant tells you and you collect it like stardust as you go out of his office door i so dont know!!!
but wherever it comes from they can have it bloody well back cos i dont want it thank you very much i want to be me again!!! strong ...nonvulnerable.. gobby happy (well sometimes cos life aint happy all the time) silly etc etc now im laughing but im crying inside im smiling but i dont really want to and every minute of every day this thing is entering my thoughts how bloody dare it !!!!
so matey dont even go there because i will not let you tag along in my life !!!
cancer... self pity you can go take a bloody hike and get lost cos i so will not allow you to come along for the ride you have been made redundant as from right now this second !!!!
sorry guys just got so mad when i woke up love to you all jen xxxx
