thoughts in my head!!!!

1 minute read time.

FormerMember

3 Jan 2011

well woke up this morning and the first thing that came into my head was chemo only 9 days away for gods sake not what time is it cos i got to get my son to euston by 11 or i have to waken up my daughter for work but bloody chemo !!! its doing my head in its all i can think about and i so want to scream leave me alone !!!! but i know it wont cos im so scared of this thing!!!!

i dont want to think of being sick or ill because right now im not ill im ok well know i have cancer but i havent got any awful pain which im so lucky not to have i know what it is!!!its looking like a bag of nails i so cant handle when i look in the mirror and think "hey girl whats happened to you"

its this self pity i cant stand !!! where has that come from???.. wasnt there in September and its raised its ugly head .....maybe my son was right when he said im a drama queen !!!! did it come in a letter with my results that ive got cancer or is it a compulsory bloody thing whenever the consultant tells you and you collect it like stardust as you go out of his office door i so dont know!!!

but wherever it comes from they can have it bloody well back cos i dont want it thank you very much i want to be me again!!! strong ...nonvulnerable.. gobby happy (well sometimes cos life aint happy all the time) silly etc etc now im laughing but im crying inside im smiling but i dont really want to and every minute of every day this thing is entering my thoughts how bloody dare it !!!!

so matey dont even go there because i will not let you tag along in my life !!!

cancer... self pity you can go take a bloody hike and get lost cos i so will not allow you to come along for the ride you have been made redundant as from right now this second !!!!

sorry guys just got so mad when i woke up love to you all jen xxxx

FormerMember over 13 years ago

Hi Jen...my chemo starts on the 7th girl, this will be number 22 and the first 21 were the worst chemos they have, my onc told me that he did his best to kill me off but this bitch won't die!!!!! I hope your chemo hits the cancer hard but doesn't hit you too badly. I am looking forward to mine like a hole in the head but then if it buys me more time it will be worth it. You seem to have the same attitude to cancer that I have girl, so keep kicking its arse. Take care chic...love Carol x
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FormerMember over 13 years ago

Hi Jen,

I know how you feel,

I have spent so much time thinking about this thing,

I put on a cheerful face and try to carry on as normal but all the time it is eating away at me.

My husband also has cancer and finishes radiotherapy tomorrow, hopefully with a positive result ,but to be honest my first thoughts are about my next treatment

My husband is really feeling the affects of his treatment so why am I not putting him first?

Your blog stopped me in my tracks and made me realise I was letting this thing win, well it can go take a hike I have other things to do

It's a new year and time to have a new positive start.

Best wishes to you hope this year brings you lots to be happy about

Sandra xxx
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FormerMember over 13 years ago

It catches us all when we are not looking, this thing called self pity. Sometimes it can be hard to kick it out, but I'm like kezzer and starting again on monday with no 21 chemo, and yet another drug. I seem to be getting through them at a rate of knots, and wonder if we are likely to run out, but the doc says we'll just start again when I get to the end! We just have to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and start all over again. Keep looking forward and planning for the future, and smiling......

happy new year

Love nh ugs

Viv
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FormerMember over 13 years ago

Of course your scared, it's normal, but like kezzer and grey said, you'll get through it, when chemo works it really can be a life saver, I've had 2 regimes of chemo over the last 3 years and more to come, but although I am not looking forward to it, I consider chemo my friend, it keeps me alive, what more can I ask.....

Good luck xoxoxox
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FormerMember over 13 years ago

If you feel sorry for yourself then that is ok because you don't really want anyone else's pity do you?

You are scared of the unknown and rightly so it is more scary than treatment itself.

Once you get started on your treatment you will take it in .your stride.

We all have good examples in Kezzer and Grey Determination wins in the end.

Good Luck and Take Care Love Julie xx
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