tomorrow i go for the results of my biopsy and find out if they have found the primary and to be told when my chemo is starting my insides are all over the place as are my thoughts cant seem to concentrate on anything there is just no reasoning with me and im better on my own right now........why is it when im being given comfort i want to retort with something that i hate hearing myself saying and its out my mouth before i know it .........maybe because im terrified if im given love and affection i will dissolve into tears and forget to stop so if i keep everyone at arms length i wont show how fragile im feeling right now !!!
the side effects of the chemo are running through my brain at 100mph and the thought of losing my hair is horrendous im a hairdresser and my hair has to be right or id never go to the door let alone go out i know its only hair but its my hair !!!
i dont want to feel sick and i dont want to feel ill because im not ill at all now but this damn chemo although its to beat this damn thing is going to make me feel awful and i havent been ill apart from the cold or flu my whole life ive always just got up and got on..... have needed to go to work and take care of my children and take all the crap so they wouldnt have to go through any of it and shielded them from everything i possibly could so now because of this awful disease im vulnerable and i hate it the treatment is decided for me i really havent got a say in it because i am going to beat this bloody thing and options are thin on the ground right now !!!!
im angry so angry i want to run away and scream at the top of my voice but i cant and for the first time in my life since i was 16 and left home im scared........ im scared that im scared if you understand what i mean but my kids are due back from work and playing football soon so my scared face /tearstained face will need to go back in the cupboard for now and the" hi kids im fine mum face" will come out as always and i will be fine but inside im crying for them and for me
im sorry for writing this right now but i havent told anyone how im truly feeling there isnt anyone to tell really because i dont want to upset them..... to everyone on here thanks for all your kind and encouraging words and love i so need them .........i will be fine ........as one person said im not dying of cancer im living with it for now but it will be gone im going to make sure of that !!!!
thank you everyone im sorry for having a really bad day !!!!!
