Well i really dont know how im feeling atm, apart from very antisocial and lonely,
I got some bad news yesterday my step grandad ( i say step but has been my grandad since i was 12 ) , he is in hospital very poorly ,noone seems to know exactly whats going on , vaguely told tia,s which is strokes , he has had dementia for 2 years ,and all we been told is he is going into a hospice asap , their is no point me pushing my mum for info as she just wants it to be quick for financial reasons as hes been in a nursing home , my dad just buries his head in the sand , so i will have to sit here and wait for them to tell me anymore if and when they get it , hes not close enough for me to visit , and would not want to upset him as doesnt know ju has died ,so seeing me alone wouldnt help him , sadly with all my experiance with dementia care , i can see the best thing for everyone but me , i think i will write to him and send some pics just so he knows im here ,still loving him and thinking of him ,yes hes got dementia but somethings to change when your dying with dementia ,ive seen people change and remember in their last few days , not that we know thats the case ,as no one knows whats happening but as i said to mum ,he would be going back to nursing home if not,
this has been the first bit of bad news since i lost ju, and god it hit me hard ,just not to have him put his arms round me and not to tell me its ok as its not ,but to just be their ,to hold me and listen and wipe my tears away ,
and no i cant burden the kids they hardly know charlie ,as we lived so far away ,they do know hes very poorly ,but they are ok, and ive told them everything and hes had a good life ,till last 2 years , and i know the kindest thing is for him to go peacefully and quietly , and hopefully quickly , but doesnt mean i love him any less ,or will miss him anyless , you couldnt see a brighter , more cheeky ,old devil , who took me and my brother and our children on as part of their family ,
im sorry for moaning again , but im having a tough time again , thanx for listening , xxxxxxxxxxxxx
And to zippy /jbe , thanx for always being their xxxxxx
