Well i will start with saying thanx for the pm,s ive had from friends on here and on facebook with support for sunday ,and since ,i know i havent replied but thats not coz im not grateful i am but i have had a few really tough days ,and yes i should have come on here and said that but i didnt want to upset anyone, i like to help people not make them sad ,but i have just been to see my dr and he has kicked my butt into realising if i dont talk and share how im feeling it will just get worse ,and yes of course i knew that already but as you know im great at giving good advice but not taking it , and i cant talk to family as they think im ok, my best friend is an angel but she has a new baby to worry about, who i must just say made me cry today as she fell asleep on me and she only does that for mummy and daddy , i cry over silliest things ,
ill start with a bit about sunday , i did want to come on here and tell you all about the memories but i cant its just too painful ,they are beautiful memories but i think its just made me realise again just how much ive lost (if that makes sense ) , but i will share part of one, the football pitch the charity day was on , was where i first fell in love with ju, we then spent every saturday their sometimes sunday too as he played cricket too, about 10 years , so 3 kids later :)
sunday was an amazing day , the atmosphere was full of fun and laughter , the funniest game of football played by the 15 year old girls against 12 year old boys , my daughter and sons teams whom ju ,used to coach,julians old team played the new boys , and lost but was a good game , it was so lovely to see those old players again , but was also very sad ,they did a minutes clapping before each game which was very touching , i was so lucky some friends from on here came to support me ,which meant the world to me , so thanx tj, emma and john, karen and ivan , tigghogg and stuart ,was lovely meeting you all,
So far we have raised £1660 , which is a fantastic first attempt , so sunday evening we all had fish and chips and raised a glass to julian , and then after not sleeping properly for weeks i got 12 hours sleep so i thought i would be fine once id caught up , well it hasnt worked like that , the last couple of days ive been so tearful, not sleeping again ,not eating properly , then last night their was an issue with my sons footy team which i dont need to go into except im getting grief for something the manager has done , which i feel he is def right and other parents dont , but im only a mum their now not a coach or manager so go whinge at someone else i even had to unplug the phone ,i just wanted some peace then my daughter plugged it back in and then gave it to me after shed answered it ,so still was getting grief at 11pm last night , i should just tell them where to go but im not strong enough ,
Anyway so after hardly any sleep again , ive been to see dr who thinks im *normal* as jan told me too this morning , its the grieving process ,its also nearly 6 months since ju died and aparrantly that can be a difficult time so hes suggested give it a week and see how i am ,and if no improvment i will need to do as im told and take some sleeping tablets , as he thinks being tired is obviously making me feel emotional as well , and he also said i need to slow down for a few days or i will make myself ill , so i will try to do as im told , it doesnt happen often lol .
I know i have to feel like this sometimes but i hate it ,i dont like to burden people with my sadness , i like to be happy and helping others , hugs xxxx
