Why do I feel better not worse?

2 minute read time.

FormerMember

15 Jan 2011

Well here I am again, late at night, not wanting to go to bed, then not wanting to get up in the morning.

What is there to get up for. No Ken and breakfast chat with him, no going to Asda to do a shop, getting something nice for tea then calling for petrol, coming home, unpacking together, having a bit of lunch together, sitting in the living room together or in the summer me sitting in the sun and Ken tending his treasured garden, then on and on with our LIFE TOGETHER, where did the years go,where did my life go.

It has been 5 months, 5 months yesterday that Ken left me, I know he didn't want to but he did leave me, left me alone and sad and so so unhappy.

What I want to know is WHY DO I FEEL WORSE! I feel worse now than I have since he died. In fact I thinkI was in shock for a long time, not a lot of tears, now it is dawning on me that I will NEVER see Ken again, never hold his hand, kiss his lips,cuddle him, wake in the morning with him and talk, never kiss him goodnight.

I truly do not know how to cope at the moment, I live in my memories, 39 years of remembering different days, different occasions, different music, looking at photographs and living our life over, watching how we have aged and changed, I know though that one thing never changed (apart from growing stronger) our love for each other.

I feel so exhausted, I drag myself through each day and the weight is such a burden, I feel I just want it all to end, no I don't want it to end so I don 't think of Ken every second of every day, I just want to remember him and not have this terrible, terrible ache and lump inside me. Today when I got home from tea at a very old friends, Ken and I went every Friday together, I just cried out in the car, I wanted to scream and scream, Ken was always in the seat next to me, Friday after Friday and now all I had was an empty seat, I just wanted to scream for him to come back to me, be at home as a surprise when I opened the door. I know though that this won't happen and I feel so desperate, I just don't know what to do anymore, it is so very very hard and I am feeling so very very down.

I will go to bed later and just hope that I will feel a little better in the morning. I will no doubt drag myself through the weekend,doing chores etc.

Ken I hope you have more peace wherever you are than I have here. I love you more than I can say. Loved you then, love you now and always will.xxxxxx

FormerMember over 14 years ago

I have no words of comfort for you my love, I wish I did and I can feel your pain. All I can do is send you a hug. No one can take your love or your memories away from you. Thinking of you...love Carol xx
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FormerMember over 14 years ago

Jan you answered your own quetion as to why you feel worse. Yes in the early days shock takes over to protect us!

Now that has cleared, (I call it the fog) well now you will start to get better.

It do's take a long time! Eventually you will find a way to carry on.

The idea is to not look to far ahead, stop looking to the future and your life without your beloved Ken that is far too painful.

5 years later I still feel I am living in a nightmare but I have survived and yes I have known some happiness along the way!

Things will improve Jan, the pain will dull and you will be able to do all those things that you mention with a smile and fond memories of your beloved Ken!

Take small steps, one day at a time. I promise you with all my heart that you will feel better someday!

Take care lots of love Julie xx
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FormerMember over 14 years ago

Grief is a miserable thing but it has to run its course,generally it takes two years to reach that state where you have learned to live without your loved one, during that two years you will have depression anger and tears but you will come to terms with it eventually, the best antidote is to socialise if you can do something for someone else and enjoy it, that is the best therapy of all, try to focus on what you shared but also what you can still look forward to, you will feel better, you will always have the wonderful memories of a loving marriage, be strong you will get through this and i know there are so many people on this site share your pain at this time, so i send you my love and God Bless Lynxxx
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FormerMember over 14 years ago

Hugs Jan.

It sounds to me as though you are on the verge on a nervous breakdown through grief. Please have a word with your doctor and tell your family and friends how you are feeling. You need plenty of company but rest at the same time.

Ken wouldnt have wanted to see you so sad. Try and take small steps at a time. Can you have someone to come and stay with you or even rent a room out so the house doesn't seem so lonely. There are lots of charitable jobs where you would meet people and get satisfaction.

Never ever feel on your own - pop into chat - there is invariably someone there who will make you at home and help with those feelings. A trouble shared is a worry halved.

Love Jan xx
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FormerMember over 14 years ago

So sorry to hear you are struggling, like others have said in the beginning you are numb and there is lots to do and sort out.

Now 5 months on the REAL task of living, sometimes there may not be as much support as those around you carry on as normal etc but Solent is right - tell others how you are feeling, reach out and hopefully your true driends will support you.

Also like solent said, try the chat room when you feel alone, it has been a great support to me as a patient but there are many carers or bereaved too.

take care

Vikki x
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