For some strange reason I was a bag of nerves today at the beatson once i got to the waiting room which was a different one than before I just went to jelly everything around me felt strange and the tears came even though i was just there for my pre-verifacation scan which was fine in fact when i am on that bed bolted down with my mask on is the only time i feel calm and restful ..strange or what..
anyway went to the clinic afterwards and saw a doctor i had never seen before basically just to check about my admission to ward B1 on monday where i will be getting what i found out is a higher dose just hope i dont get a higher dose of the side effects never got to see who i wanted to see
Went for lunch after with friend Brian and my daughter alison it was nice ..once home went into another flood of tears scared of the side effetcts and scared that Brian will be going home on Sunday he has to go work for a week but will be back about a week on wed ..so scared to be alone while he has gone just scared of taking side effects while i am alone ..have been ok tonight a little bit brighter ..i was reading a book from the Mac site that was at the hospital which said not everyone can be positive and that some people find it hard to cope thats me ..i am positive about my treatment but it scares me crazy dont think that will ever stop ...can i make tomorrow a day without fearing everything ?...I hope so ..I am getting christened on Friday and its not because of the cancer its something i have always wanted to do but now i am getting the chance just a very small affair and if all goes well with my treatment when i am better and my husband come here i want to get our marriage blessed as i feel it was such a short spell of happiness for us married in Jan cancer in Feb nd being apart right now is torture for me emotionaly ..plus my period has stopped since i started chemo so gues i am going through menopause its all going on lol
ok will go for the evening ..my love and best wishes go out to all you brave fighters out there send some fighting spirit my way .
God Bless
Love Jan x
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