I drove to Wales this morning, ( was meant to go last night) with a heavy heart..Saurday Dec 5th....Dads 65th birthday.....the day we scatter his ashes. Arrived at Dads didnt want to pull on to driveway, didnt want to go in and find him not there. Found some strength (brother nagging all the way) and went inside..I could smell him was convinced if I went in the lounge he would be there and this nightmare would be over, my heart was breaking but there in a black silk bag with a white rose on it was my Dad. I begged my step mom and brother not to do it but they insisted..so i asked for a little of him to keep.(brother and my mom think i weird) step mom was fine about it.
Found myself at the family grave where all the "Thomas" family are buried.....the words "DAD" from my flowers are still sat on the grave and in my head i was saying please, please dont do this,lets just take him home,but the words wouldnt come out. My brother scattered Dad and i just felll apart, he sighed and said get a grip...nothing to grip onto though. I didnt want to leave so they went for a walk and came back for me..havent a clue how long i was there...just kept looking at the words "DAD" , it feels worse now then ever before and today for me was far worse than the funeral. Am i alone with this though?
Am back home now...friends in chat been as wonderful as ever...Thank you all.
Have a box of his things that left for me to look through to keep and cherish ....maybe not tonight.
Love you Dad - your Jxx
