My dad has always had a cheeky, naughty twinkle in his eyes and they sparkle. He just looked at me and said "i'm paying, now go and sit down and shut up!" Typical dad words i suppose, but in his eyes was a sadness and such sorrow that i will never forget seeing.....and that sparkle and naughty twinkle was nowhere to be seen or noticed. In that instant i felt myself well up and tears came to my eyes and i begged my dad to sit down and let us sort out the bill. Still he refused and told me to go to the toliet to go and sort myself out so that my mum didn't see me upset.
Off i went to the toilets and was followed by my sister. Me the strong one in the family, not anymore. I can't explain how i felt or how that look my dad gave me made me feel other than to say that it's as if he has given up the fight and that he knows that this is one battle with cancer he isn't going to win. No matter what i do i can't get that look and that sadness out of my head. I can't accept that my dad isn't invincible like i always believed him to be and i hate how it's made me feel knowing that. I'm not the strong one anymore....i've crumbled and i hate myself for it, but i won't let my dad see it. No way! I feel that if he thinks we're fighting and rooting for him then it'll pick him up and he'll do the same. At the same time though i have to respect that if he no longer has the will to fight and wants to live the rest of his life as peacefully as possible then so be it. But i hope and pray everyday that he doesn't give up.
He still works part time, at nearly 75 yrs of age, and his job works round his treatment, which is great. He is due round 5 of his treatment this week and after round 6 he will have a scan to see how everything is going with both lots of treatment. I personally am hoping with everything crossed that it's working because i think that will spur my dad on and bring that twinkle back, if he knows it's not all for nothing.
Right at this moment in time i actually feel better for having written this blog and shared my feelings and events and hope that some of it or all of it gives hope to others who may read it, and i shall keep it updated regularly.
